Uncertainty

"Sandstorm" by Peter Vruggink

​My thoughts are like a sand storm
swirling in my head, particles of doubt
scratching my skin and stinging my eyes.
No amount of protective clothing
or eyewear can save me.

Or can it?

I am a tent in the middle of nowhere,
inviting all desert wanderers parched
from the label of a worried self inside,
to drink from a secret flask of metta,
to quench the uncertainty with kindness

till we are safe wherever we are.
 
Like most people, I detest uncertainty.  I want to know exactly what will happen.  I want to know the details of who, what, where, when, how, and why so I can plan for all possible scenarios.  I am not a woman who ventures far from familiar paths.  I don’t travel with a small suitcase of bare essentials on trips.   Procrastination is not in my vocabulary.  I like to know where potential land mines are laid out so I can be ready with a well-stocked first aid kit.

I used to tediously criticize myself for this aversive personality.  Meditation and Buddhist psychology helped me understand how certain causes and conditions created this personality.  Liked a rock shaped by the elements, my personality is a product of my surroundings. 

But this cognitive understanding does not assuage the judgements consistently.  Reminding myself that I am not my thoughts helps sometimes.  At other times, my thoughts are like a sand storm swirling in my head, particles of doubt scratching my skin and stinging my eyes.  No amount of protective clothing or eyewear can save me.  Or can it?

When cognitive understanding is not enough, mindfulness and metta are potent healing salves.  I notice my thoughts.  I feel the physical manifestations of irritating sand particles inside my body.  I make space for helpful words dipped in the sweet flavor of metta.

May I meet this worry with kindness.
May this soothe any added tension.

The creation of personal metta phrases helps me to reconnect with intentions for kindness.  My personality might be a rock carved from the elements of experience, but my heart is still malleable.  Personal metta phrases also inspire the power of loving presence to create space between aversive thoughts.  In that space, I am a tent inviting all desert wanderers parched from the label of a worried self inside to drink from a secret flask of metta, to quench the uncertainty with kindness till we are safe  wherever we are.

Margaret Atwood writes, “When nothing is sure, everything is possible.”  We don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  Some of us add extra ugliness to the label of anxiety with terms like worry wart.  But what if the worry is your mind’s way of trying to keep you safe?  What if it listened to the metta messages from your loving heart?

May we all be tents in the middle of nowhere
drinking from a secret flask of metta
to quench the uncertainty with kindness
till we are safe wherever we are.

Mindfulness and metta can also be practiced with other rock sold identification patterns – the angry self, the sad self, the tired self, the sick self, and so on.  Even positive labels can be dangerous – the beautiful self, the healthy self, the intelligent self, the accomplished self, etc.  These labels are impossible to sustain because they never last.
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The only self I want to remember is the loving self, which is our True Nature.  When I forget, may the metta phrases help me to remember.  May they help us all.  When nothing is sure, may kindness be possible.