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Still Waiting to Be Written

7/18/2015

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Picture
“Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut you more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few humans and even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender, my need for God absolutely clear.” (Hafiz)

What does it mean to sit with the pain of loneliness, letting it cut more deep, fermenting and seasoning within you?  When you feel disconnected from a partner, friend, coworker, child, etc., what is underneath this disconnection?  Is it the fear of loss, the need for approval, or something else?

As humans we are a social species.  We yearn to connect.  We need to belong.  We want to be comfortable and avoid pain, all that is unpleasant.  We will surrender our loneliness quickly, turning to false refuges like drugs, alcohol, binge eating, retail therapy, TV, the internet, speeding up, becoming busy, arguing, blaming, anything to avoid discomfort.  It’s our defense mechanism for safety.

But are we truly safe?  Can you ever escape loneliness?  Have you succeeded?  My personal experience and answer is no.  Vulnerability opens us to some pretty dark places.  Why ask difficult questions when you can be perfectly content living your life in a pleasant dream while the demons are held at bay?

Because the demons are the cure.  Unfortunately, you can’t just open your closet door one fine spring cleaning day and get rid of all the skeletons in your closet.  You need to walk into the closet again and again, sitting, waiting, holding the cold bones in your hands, allowing the pain of loneliness and every emotion underneath it to ferment and season you as few humans and even divine ingredients can.

The only version of you that matters
is your compassionate, present self.
We all want to feel beautiful-
love pouring out of us like rain
ending the drought of disconnection.
We all want to be the star of our show
sans slander against us
face to face or on the internet.
What if connection is not contingent
on approval but compassionate presence?
You don’t have to be a book
bound by one particular story
but several blank pages
still waiting to be written.


We can take ourselves to be many different personas.  The Lonely One.  The Hurt One.  The Connected or Disconnected One.  The Cherished or Rejected One.  The Expert or Amateur. 

What if connection is not contingent on approval but compassionate presence?  You don’t have to be a book bound by one particular story but several blank pages still waiting to be written.  The loneliness inside can make your eyes so soft, your voice so tender, your need for compassionate presence absolutely clear.  As you merge with this presence, may your connection with God, Spirit, the Divine be absolutely clear.

There is no separation.

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Emptiness

7/9/2015

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The future scares me.  What will happen?  Where will I be?  Do I need to plan now to ensure future safety?

In my last post I talked about a picture and what I thought it would be.  I didn’t mention all the worry manifested as body tension and constant planning, predicting to Photoshop the picture.  Add a touch up here.  Remove something undesirable there.  Change the hue.  It’s almost perfect but not quite right.

Today in yoga class, Jackie was talking about an empty cup having space to be filled.  A filled cup is already full.  What does it mean to be empty, to have space?  The following poem intuitively emerged from her words and yoga instructions.

my cup is empty
waiting to be filled
with the next liquid moment
not knowing what will spill over
what will stay
what will soothe or burn
drinking it all
to be empty once more


I don’t know what the current picture is supposed to look like, what the background should be, or even who should be in it.  But as I sense the currents of anxiety vibrating through me, I also feel this empty, compassionate presence willing to stay with me till I can visualize a new picture emerging.   A woman holds an empty cup, supported by Mother Earth below, Father Sky above, her heart open to what lies ahead.  She has no idea what the next liquid moment will bring, what will spill over, what will stay, what will soothe or burn. 

Still, she is willing to drink it all to be empty once more.

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Freedom

7/4/2015

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Picture
The Mermaid by Howard Pyle
There is a picture of us.  No children, parents, or friends.  Just us.

Over the years I’ve pulled out this picture when the longing for intimacy was overwhelming, painful.  I didn’t notice the shadows in the background.

They were always there - children, parents, friends, colleagues.  We were never alone.

What do I want from you?  I say I want more time, a dinner date, a day or weekend get away.

What I want, what I’ve been waiting for my whole life, is this.  Pure, unconditional, loving presence.

I’ve found this in meditation, writing, Mother Nature.  I guess I also want it from you.  Is this fair?

There is a certain sadness knowing that the picture is not what I thought it would be.  There is also compassion, clarity, and courage.

Let me sit “with all that is unresolved in my heart and try to love the questions themselves.” (Rilke)

I know I can.


1 Comment

    Author

    Kaveri Patel, a woman who is always searching for the wisdom in waves.

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