Category: Body Wisdom

Swimming Lessons

1/25/2018

Biology tells me that skin is porous, but not a completely permeable membrane. Meditation and reflective journaling ask me to make space for everything: thoughts, feelings, sounds, sensations. “Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. No feeling is final.” (Rilke) Is it possible to be a spiritually permeable membrane, defying skin and the rules of biology through metaphor?

In a guided meditation, I saw a girl shackled to ball and chain throw herself into the ocean. I felt the weight of her body, the heaviness inside her heart. She was responsible for all painful misunderstandings in relationships. Drowning felt like the only option, the only redemption.

Invoking the loving presence of DoriMa, beloved teacher and mentor, I saw DoriMa’s glowing image in the sunrise above the water. She reminded the girl that the ball and chain were remnants from childhood experiences, representations of comparing mind and thoughts of deficiency. She reminded the girl that Kwan Yin’s spirit was always accessible, could permeate skin and pass through water all the way down to the abyss, the darkest places of consciousness.

Who is this woman now? What is the wisdom in waves? She is learning to swim, to make space for each rise and fall of experience. She is learning to let each thought, feeling, sound, and sensation pass through her without making a solid mold of the self.

She is learning that skin can completely be permeable with pure presence, that foreign, unpleasant substances don’t need to be attacked by the immune system once they are recognized and rendered as safe. Safe spaces can only be created when she lets everything pass through her. Beauty and terror.

No feeling is final.

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Winter Solstice Greetings - Returning

12/20/2017

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Returning

(reflecting on the first foundation of mindfulness)

How many moments have I missed chasing
thoughts like the last train to happiness?
O Mother Earth, make me porous to your elements.
This wind urgency feels so real,
wanting to peek into the future,
wanting to know.
But the leaves have fallen,
nothing left but skeleton--
trunk, bare branches, a few leaves holding on.
Give me courage to peel back
skin, fascia, fat and muscle
all the way down to blood and bone.
Here, there is no self
only the weight of gravity,
dry leaves decomposing in dirt,
waiting for rain to add substance...
The fire for practice is still burning.

(inspired by Bonnie Duran, DoriMa aka Dori Langevin, and the SF/Peninsula Sangha)

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Two Poems

11/2/2017

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This Temple
for all victims of sexual violence

You never received an invitation to enter.
You, the shadow creeping in
while I was blissfully unaware,
mistaking you for a kind messenger.
Did I satisfy your needs?
You still look hungry,
your eyes bottomless black holes
sucking my life’s energy
because yours is dying.
Now, it’s my turn to get up
after you’ve mopped up your needs,
and wander like a zombie
towards a light that I’ve lost,
a life that might save me,
from the shadow you cast
on this sacred heart.

Questioning the Shadow
for all those tired of trying to be someone

These mosaic parts
are glued to your praise,
or discarded in shame,
searching for ways to feel whole.
Is there a background large enough
to hold all these pieces,
till the fractured lines fade,
till there is no one left but silence
whispering my name?

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Embodied Wise Action – Lessons from Water

8/23/2017

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water
flowing,
falling,
freezing,
m e l t i n g,
taking on the shape
of what's needed
to heal

Today I was listening to the sound of water falling in the shower. It was hypnotizing, melodic, soothing. When I am in flow with life, it's easy to be kind to others and myself.

But when things feel hard, I freeze. It takes more conscious effort to be kind. It's easier to become reactive, adding more wind and fire to an already volatile situation. And these elements don't help thaw my self-righteous, hurt identity.

Leslie Booker's talk on Embodied Wisdom reminds me how all thoughts and emotions have elemental manifestations in the body. When the force of these elements are strong, unskillful actions can burn and blame others or myself to obtain quick results and relieve discomfort.

In contrast, skillful action is motivated by patience, curiosity, openness, and a desire to foster connection. But I cannot feel supported by the ground beneath me or flow with my surroundings without learning how to tame the fire and wind energies within.

I must take refuge in someone or something larger than myself (meditation, nature, journaling, talking to a trusted teacher or friend). When the wildfire is contained in the heart's afterglow, my frozen self begins to melt. Tears fall, and wise action is no longer a foreign concept, but embodied by an earth child who has grown into the avatar of Kaveri, a woman flowing to meet her source, to know her True Nature. There is a sincere wish for all beings to be free.

May our elemental natures take on the shape of what's needed to heal. May we embody skillful action in ways that are most meaningful to us.

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Footprints

4/5/2017

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footprints carved in sand
erased on demand
where are you going
the tides ask

the slate wiped clear
we all start here
elemental
to understand

Walking along the North Shore of Kauai at Black Pot Beach, I notice my footprints trying to leave a trace of who I am.

"Where are you going?", the tides ask. "I'm headed towards my first Dedicated Practitioner's retreat!" I respond with enthusiasm and certainty.

What does that even mean?

I used to think this name, this body, this incarnation was fixed, static. This is who Kaveri is. This is what Kaveri's body is supposed to do. An unanticipated cold and sciatica flare have humbled me.

As I read the egreetings, I am introduced to different names, places, occupations, ages, gender identities and sexual orientations of spiritual family members who will undoubtedly shape the next few years of my life. Who am I in the midst of all these beings? How would I like to introduce myself? Who are you all in between names, titles, words?

As waves wipe the slate clear, may i empty this mind of preconceived notions. We all start here in this moment, together. May our footsteps dissolve into the elements, to touch alternate shores of understanding.

Thank you for beginning to tell me who you are. May the unveiling also be an undoing of separate selves...

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Habits

3/9/2017

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Habits are hard to break. Especially the ones that harm us.

Then why do we smoke, drink, gamble, steal, lie, cheat, use words as weapons, or indulge in other high risk behaviors that hurt others and/or ourselves? Is it the illusion of comfort, connection, or immunity to chaos?

As a physician, parent, partner, meditation/writing teacher, and friend, it is a privilege to guide others through subconscious forests. Which paths will offer insight and lead to meaningful healing? When the path is narrow, am I leading them or are they guiding me? What would it mean to walk side by side when the path widens again?

Sometimes I’ll use a motivational interviewing technique and ask their willingness to change a behavior on a scale of 1 to 10. I’ll also use the same ruler to gauge their confidence in making this change, discussing why the number is high or low in each circumstance. We’ll explore the reasons why they want to make the change and the barriers in their way.

For fun (and maybe to cultivate more humility), I decided to apply this technique to a behavior I wanted to change: cutting down on sugar and caffeine. On a motivation scale, I was at a 9. My reasons for cutting down on both were to experience less anxiety, heartburn, and inflammation, feel better, and have more energy directed towards the people and things I care about. On a confidence scale I was closer to a 7 and less certain. Barriers to implementing this change included family members loving sweets (having sweets in the house), enjoying the taste of certain desserts (especially chocolate and coffee), and using sweets as stress relievers.

The motivational interviewing readiness ruler is quite useful in examining habits, but something crucial is missing. The evaluation feels a little too cerebral, as if I’m guiding others and myself with a GPS unit that only knows one way. What if we get lost on the hike and the trails are unmarked? What can we count on to direct us?

In my blog posts, you’ll notice I keep coming back to the heart. Perhaps the most important question is not how motivated or confident we are in changing a habit, or even what the barriers are. What if the most important question is, “What is the need beneath the want”? What is the need beneath smoking, drinking, gambling, stealing, lying, cheating, aggression, and high risk sexual behaviors? Do we even stop long enough to ask each other this question?

Maybe the deeper need is for safety, kindness, connection, understanding, or peace. Maybe it’s a little bit of each one. As I ask this question, I sense my true need for sweets is a yearning for the sweetness life offers through authentic connections with others and myself. But I can’t know this need without feeling the pain of separation first.

Certain habits feel good, but they disconnect us from our deepest longing. Our fear of falling into the abyss of that longing hardens our habits. If you are earnestly trying to change a harmful behavior affecting you or someone you love, may this post inspire you to ask tough questions. May you sense the need beneath the want and have the support to explore your wild heart with an affirming companion.

The Heart of the Forest by BurnerPat

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Be Kind to Your Body

11/20/2016

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You are given one life, one body. Regardless of your belief in an afterlife or reincarnation, how will you take care of it here and now?

As a family physician, it breaks my heart to witness the evolution of dis-ease in patients, family members, and friends. I understand that suffering is part of life, but wonder what would happen if workplaces stopped rewarding energizer bunnies and penalizing sloths. What if familial demands were balanced with time for self-care? How much of your pain is inevitable, and what part of your suffering is optional?

We often treat our bodies like rental cars. The keys to our ignition, our power is borrowed. After relatively short trips, the upholstery is stained, the floor is trashed, and the gas gauge is dangerously close to running on empty because there was no time to refill. When we return to our own car, we might take slightly better care of it. Though we take it in for scheduled maintenances to the dealership, we’re still puzzled by random warning lights of low tire pressure, oil leaks, or airbag defects.

Diverse cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds affect concepts and possibilities of self-care. Self-care is further strained and limited by work and familial demands. One of my favorite things to do at work is gently remind patients about self-care. “What will replenish your fuel tank?” I ask. “Where could you schedule some time for self-maintenance? What would that look like?”

Think of at least one thing you can do for your wellbeing: going to bed thirty minutes earlier, taking that creative class you missed in college, adding some practical, enjoyable exercise to your schedule, connecting with someone who adds meaning to your life regularly. Jack Kornfield said, “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” As you hold other people’s stories inside your heart, please make some space for your own story.

During the week of Thanksgiving, give thanks for your body, for all it has carried for you, all it has done for you. Though it’s not exactly the way you want it to be, maybe it is doing the best that it can. Maybe you are doing the best that you can. This body is a mosque, synagogue, temple, chapel - your connection to The Divine. Please care for it as you would care for The Divine.

You are given one life, one body. How will you take care of it?

Note: This post is meant to be a gentle inquiry. If you find that judgements arise after reading this, please stop for a moment. Close your eyes and think of someone who loves you, who genuinely wishes for your wellbeing. Take in their care and concern for you on the inbreath, and release any judgement on the outbreath. You can also place one hand on your heart and the other on any part of your body that is hurting, sensing the stream of their love flowing through you. This Thanksgiving, may you celebrate the joy of being alive.

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The Wound is the Way

9/18/2016

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Image by Johnnie Lawson

River of breath, flow through me
Find every stone, stick and scar
Cover this body completely
In compassionate awareness
Till every part is bathed in blessing
Each ailment is accepted as an ally
To this moment of truth –
The wound is the way to wellbeing

Every moment can be categorized as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. During unpleasant moments, there is a tendency to blame others for something they say or do. Another possibility is to blame yourself for reacting the way you do.

Mindfulness offers another choice. Once the milk has already spilled, the other shoe has already dropped, the neatly stacked papers have already scattered, there is an opportunity to decide if you will let your thoughts direct the scene, or if you will turn inward to find a sense of ease and wellbeing.

Every external drama has a physical manifestation in the body. You may not always know where anger, fear, sadness, guilt, or other intense emotions hide inside you, but you can get to know your body sensations by practicing a body scan like this:

Compassionate Body Scan (Dr. Kristen Neff)

The ease cannot be felt in an instant. It comes with patience and time, with a genuine care and curiosity for what you are experiencing. It happens when you let the river of breath flow through you, finding every stone, stick and scar (unpleasant body sensation). When you stop fighting the feelings manifested as physical sensations, they can flow with the river of breath. Each ailment is accepted as an ally to this moment of truth – the wound is the way to wellbeing.

May the river of breath flow through you, till every part is bathed in blessing, till each wound in cleansed in kind understanding.

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Dear Body

8/20/2016

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Dear Body,

You are the best meteorologist gauging emotional weather systems before my mind can even make sense of them. But I don’t always treat you with kindness and respect.

At Yellowstone you tripped over a log and fell on your left hand side, bruising easily. You were excessively cold and couldn’t sleep comfortably in the cramped RV bed with little space to move or sit up comfortably without bumping your head. You couldn’t digest all the meals with ease. For most of the trip, you felt heavy and tense like the dead weight of a rotting tree trunk instead of light and joyous the way I expected you to be. Why couldn’t you just go with the flow the way Yellowstone’s chromatic hot springs, rivers, and waterfalls did? Could you really forget your True Nature so easily? What was wrong with you?

I realize now that my attitude towards you wasn’t helpful at all. Instead of infusing your being with the healing flow of self-compassion, I was adding fuel to the fire and fanning the flames of anxiety. But I can change that now. Now that everyone is back home settling into routines of work and school, I can listen to you. I know you weren’t causing these discomforts to hurt me on purpose. It was your tender cry for help. I’m so lucky to have you as my personal meteorologist. Emotions like anger, fear, sadness, and embarrassment aren’t the enemies, but signals to pause, listen, make space, and deepen compassionate attention.

There were some fleeting moments of sweet conversations between you and me. Looking up at the crescent moon and remembering our wholeness lost in shadows. Attempts at yoga and meditation some mornings and evenings. Massaging the left side of you with care and concern. Witnessing the flow of water and sensing the flow of benevolent intentions within me. Calling a friend and emailing a supportive group of amazing women.

The ocean of compassion is bottomless. I know this now. No matter how long I have studied or how much I think I know about mindfulness and compassion practices, there is always room for more experience, more awareness, more patience, more love. Thank you, dear body for supporting me faithfully, for letting me know exactly what you need with persistence, for being patient when I ignore you. When I forget, may the moon, bodies of water, my own breath, someone or something else always bring me back to you.

With Love and Gratitude,
Kaveri

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Listen to Your Body

3/17/2016

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Felt Sense Prayer

I am the pain in your head, the knot in your stomach, the unspoken grief in your smile.
I am your high blood sugar, your elevated blood pressure, your fear of challenge, your lack of trust.
I am your hot flashes, your cold hands and feet, your agitation and your fatigue.
I am your shortness of breath, your fragile low back, the cramp in your neck, the despair in your sigh.
I am the pressure on your heart, the pain down your arm, your bloated abdomen, your constant hunger.
I am where you hurt, the fear that persists, your sadness of dreams unfulfilled.
I am your symptoms, the causes of your concern, the signs of imbalance, your condition of dis-ease.

You tend to disown me, suppress me, ignore me, inflate me, coddle me, condemn me.
I am not coming forth for myself as I am not separate from all that is you.
I come to garner your attention, to enjoin your embrace so I can reveal my secrets.
I have only your best interests at heart as I seek health and wholeness by simply announcing myself.

You usually want me to go away immediately, to disappear, to sleek back into obscurity.
You mostly are irritated or frightened and many times shocked by my arrival.
From this stance you medicate in order to eradicate me.
Ignoring me, not exploring me, is your preferred response.
More times than not I am only the most recent notes of a long symphony, the most evident branches of roots that have been challenged for seasons.

So I implore you, I am a messenger with good news, as disturbing as I can be at times.
I am wanting to guide you back to those tender places in yourself, the place where you can hold yourself with compassion and honesty.
If you look beyond my appearance, you may find that I am a voice from your soul.
Calling to you from places deep within that seek your conscious alignment.

I may ask you to alter your diet, get more sleep, exercise regularly, breathe more consciously.
I might encourage you to see a vaster reality and worry less about the day to day fluctuations of life.
I may ask you to explore the bonds and the wounds of your relationships.
I may remind you to be more generous and expansive or to attend to protecting your heart from insult.
I might have you laugh more, spend more time in nature, eat when you are hungry and less when pained or bored, spend time every day, if only for a few minutes, being still.

Wherever I lead you, my hope is that you will realize that success will not be measured by my
eradication, but by the shift in the internal landscape from which I emerge.

I am your friend, not your enemy. I have no desire to bring pain and suffering into your life.
I am simply tugging at your sleeve, too long immune to gentle nudges.
I desire for you to allow me to speak to you in a way that enlivens your higher instincts for self-care.
My charge is to energize you to listen to me with the sensitive ear and heart of a mother attending to her precious baby.
You are a being so vast, so complex, with amazing capacities for self-regulation and healing.
Let me be one of the harbingers that lead you to the mysterious core of your being where insight and wisdom are naturally available when called upon with a sincere heart.

I first heard this poem in a dharma talk by Tara Brach. When I shared it with my yoga, mindfulness teacher and friend, Jackie Long, founder of MBSM, she led our group in a helpful writing exercise to create our own felt sense poem.

To create your own poem, set aside some time in your day when you won’t be distracted. It’s also important to write in a space that will nurture and inspire the creativity of your own deepest wisdom. If you can’t think of an ideal time or space, please do the best you can. Your intention is what matters most. It often helps to engage in some type of embodied practice first to ground and hear what your body has to say to you. This can be through yoga, meditation, a walk, Qigong, dance, etc.

You may choose to set a timer and write for a set amount of time, say 10-15 minutes, encouraging the flow of pen on paper regardless of any mental blocks you encounter. If this feels too constricting, write for as long as you’d like until the process feels complete. Remember, this is your healing journey. You can modify this exercise in any way you wish.

Grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. don’t matter. What matters most is the gift of kind, gentle, and loving awareness you bring to your body and this process. No one is here to judge you. There is no place for any critical voices, only kind ones. If the critical voices drown out the kind ones, pause and think of what a supportive person (parent, partner, good friend, spiritual being) might say to you, and keep writing.

Begin your poem with I am, listing as many physical, emotional symptoms as you’d like to. See where the writing takes you, and try to address any message from this wise physical or emotional discomfort. What is it trying to tell you? What is important to remember?

A harbinger is a person or thing that signals the approach of another. In your writing, may you discover a wise message that helps you heal your way back to wholeness. I would love to hear about your process or anything else you’d like to share with me. Here is what emerged for me.

River of Breath

I am the stones of guilt in your belly weighing you down,
the gas bubbles of indigestion, of fear
mixed with volcanic eruptions of anger.

I don’t want this story. I want another –
where the fires of transformation burn bright in my belly,
where everything is digested with ease,

where a river of breath flows through me,
through us all, decorated with
soft pink cherry blossoms and lotus leaves.

Let no place in my body be immune
to its life giving waters,
its divine healing energy.

We simply need to be aware,
to notice all the places of contraction,
pain and hurt, and say

Come to me now, sweet river of breath.
Bathe me in your beauty.
Baptize me with your love.

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Swimming Lessons

Winter Solstice Greetings - Returning

Two Poems

Embodied Wise Action – Lessons from Water

Footprints

Habits

Be Kind to Your Body

The Wound is the Way

Dear Body

Listen to Your Body

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