I thought we would be friends forever. I thought we could overcome any obstacle of hurt. Maybe I was wrong.

A dear friend and I recently exchanged words that left us both feeling angry, stunned, and upset. I tried to bridge the gap of misunderstanding with acknowledgment of my contribution to the confusion. I also tried to respect her perspective without compromising my own. It was my idea of a peace offering. For her, it was a bomb that had sadly backfired. I was dangerous, and she didn’t want the enemy anywhere near her.

My thoughts would not stop trying to console me. They ranged from extremes of self-righteous positions blaming my friend, and inferior positions blaming myself for my heartlessness. Judging us both was painful, so painful, that I longed to think my way out if this tangle. What Buddhist practice could help me unravel this confusion? Was it the three characteristics of existence, the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path, understanding of the Middle Way, or something else?

The harder I tried to understand, the tenser I got. During a weary morning sit, a voice reminded me to let go, surrender, and relax the resistance. That is the moment I began to heal with an embodied presence as opposed to a spiritual bypass. Over the next few days, I reached out to Sangha to help me process what happened. The above Buddhist concepts were no longer mental gymnastics that weakened understanding, but strengthened it through R.A.I.N.

I know in my heart that seeds of understanding are being watered, nurtured, and sprouting in silence. I don’t know what will happen to the friendship. Emotions of anger, fear, and sadness still rise like tidal waves threatening to drown and submerge my clarity in cold darkness. But I will no longer say no to them. I’ve been here before – past lives, previous relationships, praying for freedom. The heart must be irritated to form pearls of wisdom.
 
Reconciliation Prayer

I’m tired of trying to change you,
rattling the bars around this heart prison
expecting you to have the key.
Where’s the sunlight, connection, and joy in that?
What if i am an open door allowing
you to come and go as you please,
not trying to cage you with small thoughts,
but spacious awareness that sees everything?
What if i get to know you, understand you?
Would i choose to stay?
Dear Universe, help us find each other,
eyes meeting in peaceful resolve
till the first words spoken are kind.
 
May I be patient with this process of learning. May I be kind and gentle with myself, not taking these exchanges so personally. May I remember my sincere wish to wake up and attract relationships of wise, mutual understanding.

May the Universe support your need to be heard and understood. May you be happy, well, safe, peaceful, and at ease. May our eyes meet in peaceful resolve till the first words spoken are kind.

May all relationships (family, friendships, acquaintances, strangers, perceived enemies, animals, plants) be held in  wise reflection, wise exchange, wise effort, till the first words spoken are kind.

When I got married almost nineteen years ago in July, I still had some romantic fairytale pixie dust mixed with classic chick flick movie moments clouding my vision.  My Braveheart husband would take care of everything.  This notion, coupled with my Tenderheart optimism, would conquer any insurmountable problem.  Was I naïve!

Marriage is not a Mary Poppins musical.  It takes work, patience, clarity, curiosity, forgiveness.  Not just love (unless your definition of love is expanding to include more virtues:).  The following reflections are by no means a perfect prescription for marital bliss.  They are pearls I’ve picked up from personal experience, needing a good polish every time I forget.

Are you still holding on to the good ol’ days when your partner was a perfect gentleman, lady, or person?  Have they suddenly turned into someone you barely recognize?  Ah, dear one.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but things change.  People change.  It doesn’t mean he/she/they stopped loving you.  Like you, they are a beautiful being growing in the direction of what nourishes them most.  The challenging part is that you both may be growing in different directions.

Once you can see this clearly, with curiosity and without judgment, it’s possible to make space for who you both are in this new chapter of your lives.  Certain life events (the birth of a child, the death of a parent or other loved one, major illness, career change, big geographic move, etc.) can blast any deep subconscious discontent out from the landmine of living.  Suddenly, you’re so tired of the struggle, and there’s no place left to hide.  Arms up and out in surrender, what can help you pick up the broken pieces, make a mosaic of healing out of suffering?

Begin by defining who you are, what matters most to you.  Engage with people and practices that support your growth.  But be careful!  Who you are isn’t better or worse than your partner.  He/she/they are growing, too.  Get curious about what feeds them.  Be patient with their response.  This doesn’t mean you become a doormat or a punching bag in the relationship.  It’s called a relationship for a reason, implying healthy connection, not disabling connection or hanging on by a thread.  You will find the balance between shouting vs. whispering to be heard, between taking the backseat or insisting on being the driver.

Make time for this new dance you are choreographing together.  It’s easy (and tempting) to fill the calendar with work, social engagements, the children’s activities, caring for aging parents, and time for self-care.  Sometimes you both will fall into bed after a long and tedious day with nighttime silence as a welcome reprieve.  Eyelids drooping, the lips can barely formulate a Good night honey or I love you.  Please don’t make yourselves the last priority!  You are the sun and moon of your family planet.  You will each take turns shining warmth on a joyous day or being that third eye in dark times to calm restless tides.

The poet Mark Nepo said, “To listen is to continually give up all expectation and to give our attention, completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean. In the practice of our days, to listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.”

When I listen to my partner by leaning in softly with a willingness to be changed by what I hear, I am no longer the Wise or Gentle One.  He is no longer the Logical or Tough One.  We are simply one man, one woman, Braveheart and Tenderheart, trying our best to live in sync with Earth’s eternal heart.
​
Chances are we'll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken, and I can see
 
Chances are the fascinations
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them and all I need
 
Let’s take a chance.  You be you and I’ll be me.  Let’s listen to each other.  Let’s grow.  Let’s dance.  Let’s be the sun and moon for our family.  Thank you for taking a chance on me.
 
 

​During our first few days in Costa Rica, I experienced some gastrointestinal upset.  What followed was not patience and kindness, but irritation and blame.  Instead of appreciating the lush rainforest rich with biodiverse species of flora and fauna, my mind was fixated on problems.  My body wasn't behaving the way it should; my tween daughter was moody; I should be snapping out of this funk faster than I was.

Eventually, I could find some balance with a little help from mindfulness and self-compassion practices.  Though the forecast called for sunny skies on the latter half of our trip, a small gray cloud still threatened to unleash a torrent of judgements if I wasn't careful.  

Stop being so anxious!  Never mind that your sleep schedule was thrown off from day 1 of this trip and that your body is slightly dehydrated from diarrhea and this weather. 

Who cares that your gastrointestinal issues started in residency with call and sleep deprivation years ago.  So what if your digestive system is still sensitive when your sleep schedule is thrown off.  You should be over this by now!!!

On our flight home, I listened to an insightful dharma talk on patience.  It reminded me to ask the right question.  Instead of Am I behaving like a mindfulness master right now?, Is kindness here? might be more helpful.

Sylvia Boorstein writes, "Patience is more the moment to moment adjustment to unpleasant circumstances done in knowing they cannot be any other way.  This is wisdom."

In Costa Rica, I was making moment to moment adjustments to unpleasant circumstances.  I was soothing my body with food, hydration, Pepto-Bismol, and self-compassion.  I was renewing my vow each day to be kind in speech to my daughter, myself, and others.  My gratitude radar was on the lookout for beauty and kindness.

Maybe my mind wasn't entirely fixated on problems this whole trip.  Maybe I was asking, Is kindness here? more often than not.  Maybe my heart is as brave and beautiful as a Costa Rican sunset sinking in darkness to rise again.

May we all ask the right question.  When we forget, may patience guide us towards wisdom.
​

The Seed by ​Michelle Janean Pier

Image by Unsplash

Dear Kaveri,
​

How I’ve missed you! I miss you when you visit the past trying to make sense of how and why things played out the way they did.  I miss you when you visit the future wanting to know the exact details so you won’t be swallowed by a potential land mine.  I miss you when you fantasize about an alternate reality that sounds better than this one.

I know that most times I am not all that exciting.  The few times that I am, you’ll want to fly into the future imagining more moments like this and where they might lead.  If I’m challenging, you might revisit the past and feel weighed down by much more than what is actually happening right now.  

Kaveri, you don’t get a demerit for leaving me.  I’m not like a ruthless god or angry parent who will only pay attention and care about you only if you’re perfect.  I understand the temptation to leave.  It’s in your genetics, your blood, your bones.  To reach for me, to return to the freedom and peace I offer takes a great deal of patience and courage.

Thank you for remembering me today.  Thank you for stopping periodically to connect with me, to receive my benevolence and well wishes for you on the inbreath, releasing past, future, and fantasy on the outbreath.  It is a radical act of kindness, of perseverance, of faith unlike any other.

May you know that no matter how often you leave me, you are always welcome here.  How I’ve missed you!
​
 
Your Faithful Friend on The Journey,
This Moment