(inspired by DoriMa and DPP6 Sangha)

Sometimes i’m in the center
not as royalty, dictator, enlightened
but a resourced being offering
what she can to satellites orbiting
her sphere of influence.

Sometimes i’m at the periphery
lost in space, floating along
longing for the gravitational pull
of a generous planet guiding me back
to a system that feels like home.

We take turns giving and receiving
moving in, reaching out
circling the space to experience
the full spectrum of darkness, light
and some place in between.

the key of love by Korinna

“The point is to belong to each other, not to be the most right.”
-Thanissara
 
This month I’m asked to contemplate generosity, and how it shows up in everyday life. When I’m paying attention, there is never a dull moment to practice, to sense where the heart can stretch a little bit more to include another being.

*****

It’s bed time. We ask her to put her phone away. The texts between these girls are never ending. Over one hundred in a short span of thirty minutes or so.

Her eyes are sharp, covering a subtle, dark disappointment underneath. I feel the heaviness in her heart, the sense of disconnection from an important social thread happening while she sleeps, while she dreams.

The next day, I gently approach her wounding, inviting her feelings into a conversation, listening. I don’t hide my care and concern for her sleep to freshly face the next day. I also don’t expect her to understand. It isn’t about who gets the final word, but holding us both in a circle of lovingkindness.

*****

It’s 11:28pm. Still no sign of the patient. I can feel forearms and belly tense, mind spinning into the future. There goes lunch, fuel and rest before facing the second half of the day, beings needing someone to listen, someone to understand.

After the medical assistant (MA) finally rooms the patient, checks her vitals, and elicits the reasons for her visit, the MA walks out of the exam room with a raised eyebrow. She tells me the patient has been crying. More tightening in the forearms and belly, the heart door closing. “There goes lunch!” echoing through the mind. Help, where is the key of compassion???

As I walk into the exam room, every square inch of the body is yelling, “Quick! Speed read this chapter of the patient’s story and then get the hell out of there.” But heart-mind has a different plan. “Don’t bookmark the page just yet, Dr. Patel. You’ll like this story. It’s one where generosity plays a vital role.”

Taking a breath for myself and all caregivers who feel as if they are racing against time to be present to patients’ autobiographies, I relax a little more into the moment. Heart-mind helps to ask the right questions, knowing when to listen, move in a little closer to the patient, and when to bookmark the page so we can revisit her story at another time.

The visit ends with a sincere hug between two women, holding each other in a circle of compassion. I wonder if the patient will ever realize the significance of her story.

*****
​
This month I’m asked to contemplate generosity, and how it shows up in everyday life. I’m learning that generosity is not a cultural ‘should’ or obligation to offer time, talents, or resources, but including myself in the circle of lovingkindness and compassion every day. When I can pause, breathe, and check in with heart-mind, an intuitive knowing flows to nourish and sustain the wellbeing of all life, no parts, no hearts left out.
​
As generosity (dana) becomes second nature, it turns into virtue (sila), not a one-time act of kindness, but a continuous way of life. May we hold each other in a circle of kindness and compassion. May we unlock hearts with the generosity key.

At SFO, prior to boarding the plane for Japan, I heard a strange voice. “Don’t believe anything you see or hear. Look and listen for connection. That is all.” 

The voice sounded wise, profound. I’ve learned by now not to question its authenticity or figure out where it came from. In time, I would understand.

*****
​
In Japan, I experienced an explosion of sense pleasures. The rainbow colors and taste offerings at breakfast: wakame seaweed salad with lotus root and sesame dressing, alternating miso, corn, or pumpkin soup, scrambled eggs, choice of croissant, pecan, or cinnamon danish, veggies, and a several tea options. Lunch and dinner would involve savory ramen or udon noodles, crisp, tasty tempura, or a choice of yummy Italian, Mexican, Thai, or Indian cuisines. A few nights I simply had to turn the family down for dinner because my pants grew too tight and my stomach felt like a bowling ball!

After reading the first chapter in Ajahn Sucitto's "Paramis, Ways To Cross Life's Floods" on the four types of floods, I reflected and reframed my experience in Japan. What part of the trip was I not swept away in the flood of sensual pleasures, the flood of becoming (personal identity and time), the flood of views (I’m right, you’re wrong), or the flood of ignorance (not seeing things as they are)?

A few memorable experiences stood out. Standing at a train station in Tokyo waiting for a train bound for Kyoto, I noticed a man with a towel over his head crouching on the ground near his briefcase, eyelids closed with the weight of possible illness or job stress. This heart-mind began to practice on the spot Tonglen for him.

At Entokuin temple in Kyoto, I experienced the division of self and other melting into the green tea, the tea room structure, and the gardens around us. I didn’t even know the woman performing the tea ceremony, but in that moment, she was mother, daughter, sister, partner, friend, the soil underneath us, the breath between us.
​

*****
​
“Don’t believe anything you see or hear. Look and listen for connection. That is all.” 

Their is nothing wrong with enjoying sense pleasures, wanting to be someone, or having a certain view. Suffering arises when these floods lead to unwholesome disconnection instead of wholesome connection. 
​
I may forget the smell and taste of certain foods, how certain sights looked or felt, but the man at the station, the woman performing the tea ceremony, the victims of the A-bomb at Hiroshima, will stay in this heart-mind long after the body is gone.

Go ahead. Fall into that hole. We all do, sometimes repeatedly. Walk the path, right over the leaves and sticks that hide the ditch, false ground made of desire, aversion, delusion.

It’s cold down there, darkness all around you, walls closing in. There’s no room to move, to breathe. How did you get here?

Suddenly, that shiny object of desire, this other place that promised paradise when you were averse to Here, the delusion of something better, feels isolating. It’s not so special anymore.

What if cittabhavana is possible, the luminous nature of mindheart unclouded by mental defilements? Is it worth climbing out of the ditch to walk with awareness, to celebrate the transition from ignorance to freedom?

I don’t care if you fell. I’ve fallen, too. I’m so done with hiding in that pit. I want to feel sunlight on my face, rain washing away old perceptions of self.

Reflecting on the trench’s discomfort and what supported the way out, let’s catch glimpses of cittabhavana, our capacity for clear seeing, beauty, and joy. Let’s walk together.
​
We’ll fall again. Faith is trusting that one of us will discover the hole is a trap, a false refuge, holding a hand out to the other so we both take one step closer to Home.

What if all desire
soft-petaled, rose-scented
all aversion
pointed porcupine quills
were seen, heard, felt, known?
Would delusion still exist?
Could speech and action 
be motivated by something 
larger than the kilesas?
What kind of world do you want?
History starts now...
 
 
Behind every word, every action, there is a seed of intention, a motivation fueled by desire and/or aversion that that leads to the delusion of real connection. What do I want from you? How are you pissing me off? The subject of relational awareness is quite juicy, quite messy this way.
 
In Don’t Look Down on the Defilements, They Will Laugh at You, Sayadaw U Tejaniya writes, “Every intention comes with a motivation. Most motivations are defilements. Only if you fully recognize and understand defilements, wisdom will arise. Now wisdom will motivate your intentions.”
 
I notice in personal and not so personal relationships that there is often a soft-petaled desire for connection with others. It’s fascinating how much I will alter reality for a hit of rose-scented sweetness high. If you display any pointed porcupine quills in speech or action, you are the ultimate enemy. Get away! A temporary lapse of consciousness takes hold. I’ve never hurt anyone in my life.
 
What if I pause for one minute, one breath (and hopefully longer) to notice, name, and feel the contours of soft-petaled and pointed, their cumulative effects on the heart? Would delusion still exist? “Throughout our life we habitually seek and grasp. To sit back and just watch this happening is difficult. However, this sitting back and just watching is essential to become able to see and understand these habits.”
 
Speech and action can be motivated by something larger than the kilesas. Seeds of loving intention can be planted in the most arid desert or rugged terrain. The heart can bloom from any seed, regardless of fertile soil or fair weather. I have seen this happen, felt the ineffable peace of bodhichitta temporarily free of the kilesas. The connection with self and other is real, transcending the idea of you and me as separate beings. There is an energetic field of safe, loving awareness inviting all beings to enter sacred space. Don’t take my word for it. Come see for yourself. 
 
“You will be happier and get on more harmoniously with other people if you are clearly aware of whatever you do, wherever you are. This only comes easily when there is sustained momentum in the practice; it only becomes possible when there is natural awareness, when awareness becomes second nature.”
 
May we create space in our own hearts to belong, opening the heart door to others.
 
What kind of world do you want? History starts now...
 
​Notes:

Kilesas – The defilements. Greed, hatred, and delusion.
“Trying to create something is greed.
Rejecting what is happening is aversion.
Not knowing if something is happening or has stopped happening is delusion.”

Bodhichitta – The awakened mindheart. “The soft spot, a place as vulnerable and tender as an open wound. It is equated, in part, with our ability to love. Bodhichitta is also equated, in part, with compassion—our ability to feel the pain that we share with others.”
 

​(For further contemplation on the Satipatthana refrain, please visit Joseph Goldstein's insightful talk.)

​Paused at the corner of Fremont and Decoto,
just missed the green light as a stranger
with a 12 x 12 piece of cardboard
catches the corner of my eye.
Need to get home to Seattle.
Any help welcome. $1-2
 
Can I trust that story?
 
With a sigh, I reach for my wallet,
opening a window that separates
an African American man
from a South Asian American woman,
one being suspicious and in a hurry,
the other patient and counting
on something deeper than a wallet.
 
The dollar bill slips easily
into square, callused hands
that won’t let go till i look up
into gentle, honest eyes –
obsidian hints of misunderstanding,
doors closing, a black body for sale
without the owner’s permission.
 
$1 isn’t enough.
 
The second bill provides an opportunity
to shake hands with holiness,
to feel the rough edges
of smooth, misguided perceptions,
to remember that we are all
just trying to make our way home.