Wisdom in Waves
  • Home
  • Classes
  • Meditations
  • Books
  • Poems
  • Musings
  • About
  • Contact
  • Love

From Arrows of Judgment to Arrows of Love

2/14/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
This Valentine’s Day, I’m confident you’ll find some way to express your love to those you care about.  But what about the people who annoy you, the people who push your buttons?  How can the arrows of judgment be transformed into arrows of love?

In my last blog post, I discussed the importance and benefits of self-compassion.  Though I firmly believe this is a vital stepping stone on the path to understanding and having compassion for others, it’s a process that can’t be rushed.  While we are cultivating our beautiful practice of self-compassion, how can we meet the inflammatory circumstances with others who challenge us?

Lately, I’ve been practicing metta, or lovingkindness towards those who rock my boat.  I don’t deny the initial feelings that arise in response to any given interaction with them.  I still rely heavily on the practice of RAIN to be with these turbulent feelings in an authentic, spacious, and kind way.  I still depend on the lifejacket of self-compassion to keep me from drowning in my own reactive emotions.

The difference now is that I also try to get in touch with the deeper feelings beneath the surface.  For example, when I’m driving and get cut off by another driver, or another driver will not let me into his/her lane when my signal has already been blinking for what feels like an eternity, I first notice the anger/annoyance.  I also notice the deeper feelings of fear and need for safety.  I create a metta phrase that captures the essence of these deeper feelings. 

May I be safe.
May you be safe.
May others around you be safe.


I don’t displace the anger/annoyance, or pretend it doesn’t exist.  I just don’t want it to corrode or shrink my heart to a smaller size.  Getting in touch with the deeper feelings and creating a metta phrase from them help me to remember that I’m dealing with another being who probably wants the same things that I do.  Their actions might say otherwise, but I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt!

I have also practiced this with coworkers and family members who might get under my skin.  I’ve noticed that underneath the anger/annoyance, there is often a sadness and need for connection.  A metta phrase might sound like this:

May I feel loved and accepted just as I am.
May you feel loved and accepted just as you are.


As you are reading this, please notice any physical sensations arising within you.  Do you feel warm and light in your heart center, optimistic and inspired in trying this with someone you know?  Maybe you feel your gut tightening, contraction in your chest, or a burning sensation in your jaw.  If this is the case, please honor your body’s wisdom.  Maybe the person who needs your lovingkindness practice most is you.  You aren’t ready to turn the attention outward because you are still healing from past hurt.

If you are feeling open to this practice, I recommend starting with someone who is mildly offensive, not the person you haven’t spoken to in years or someone who has hurt you deeply.  It might be the postal person who mixed up your mail with your neighbor’s yet again, or the coworker who takes up too much office space, yours included.  You are probably in touch with the surface emotion, but what is the deeper one?   Is it fear, hurt, or regret?  If you have the time, space, and experience, RAIN is a great way to get in touch with the deeper emotion.  If not, maybe you have another practice that can help you access the deeper emotion and need.

Whatever you decide to do with this post and practice, may a few arrows of judgment transform into arrows of love.  May this practice begin with you.

0 Comments

Return to Love: The Power of Self-Compassion

2/1/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
Do you love yourself?  I’m not talking about a narcissistic or ego based love dependent on external looks or accomplishments.  I’m talking about a fierce tenderness to sit with physical ailments or emotional turmoil without turning away.  Many folks turn to family, friends, and spiritual beings/teachers in times of distress.  While this is quite natural and therapeutic, no one can fully understand your inner life better than you can.

Psychologist, teacher, and author Kristen Neff defines self-compassion as having three components: mindfulness, kindness, and common humanity.  In order to recognize that suffering exists, we must be aware of it.  Next, there needs to be some movement of the heart to offer care and comfort to our situation.  Finally, we must recognize that on some level, our suffering is not unique but shared and experienced by others.

Self-compassion is such an essential component to our wellbeing.  We live in a time and place that defines happiness by who we are and what we have.  While this can bring temporary joy or pleasure, it separates us by a social hierarchy.  So and so earns the most money.  So and so took the best vacation this year.  So and so has the best figure, etc.  In contrast, self-compassion unites us in shared experiences.  We have all been sick, experienced anger, fear, and disappointment, even lost someone or something we love.  No amount of fame of fortune can shield us from these truths.

Meditation practice helps us to be mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations within the safe container of compassionate presence.  We can watch the stories of our lives unfold in wild and wacky ways that are so far from the truth of who we really are.  For beginning meditators, this is often hard to believe.  How can we possibly sit deep within the mud of suffering when our caregivers taught us to escape, deny, or substitute the dissatisfaction with false refuges?  It’s not their fault.  Maybe they never learned how to befriend difficulty with mindfulness and self-compassion.

In many ways, meditation is a spiritual re-parenting practice where we learn to make space for everything.  We learn that our breath can soothe any area of hurt, that we can perceive the coming and going of sound without needing to change it, that we can merge with each moment so intimately so as to dissolve and actually become the compassionate space that surrounds us.  Self-compassion is like a best friend promising to always be there no matter how hard things might get.

I’ve recently faced a challenge at home that evoked the most turbulent emotions: scalding anger, whirlwinds of fear, an avalanche of hurt.  The feelings evoked flashbacks from my postpartum period nine years ago where anger, fear, sadness and shame were my constant companions.  I felt like an ugly caterpillar begging for the chrysalis stage so I could quickly transform into a beautiful butterfly.  I couldn’t see that the road to heaven is sometimes paved with perceived pebble stones from hell.

I knew there was a connection between that time and my current circumstance, but what was it?  A friend shared a quote by Vivian Green, ““Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.”  How could I learn to dance in the rain while the storm was here, rather than waiting for it to pass?  I sensed that part of the answer had something to do with self-compassion.  Instead of trusting this instinct, I spiritually bypassed my true feelings by trying to overemphasize the positive aspects of my life.  When I couldn’t do this easily, I blamed myself for being too sensitive, too needy.  It wasn’t until I sat with the pain of all my self-stories, uncomfortable feelings, and physical sensations that the following words emerged:

To dance in the rain you don’t
have to enjoy the storm.
Maybe you don’t like getting wet –
your hair all frizzy, the cold
damp air teasing you about
the remembrance of sunnier
days not so long ago.


To dance in the rain you must
hear your heart’s calling,
stripping down to bare skin
and raw emotions, breaking
open to water seeds of intention,
letting  your tears become the rain.


If I were to die today, knowing I could not take anything with me, I’d leave the practice of self-compassion behind.  I’d invite others to inhale the breeze of kindness and exhale toxic judgments dehydrating them like prunes.   They’d meet others and spread the word about self-compassion until it went viral, infecting all hearts with the following question.  “Do you pay regular visits to yourself? Don't argue or answer rationally. Let us die, and dying, reply.” (Rumi)

1 Comment

    Author

    Kaveri Patel, a woman who is always searching for the wisdom in waves.

    Archives

    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014

    Categories

    All
    Anatta
    Body Wisdom
    Burnout
    Communication
    Compassion
    Creativity
    Diwali
    Doubt
    Elements
    Energy
    Equanimity
    Fear
    Forgiveness
    Freedom
    Gratitude
    Guilt
    Habits
    Impermanence
    Joy
    Kindness
    Light
    Middle Way
    Mindfulness
    Motivational Interviewing
    Parenting
    Passion
    Patience
    Peace
    Poetry
    Relationships
    Sacred Feminine
    Self Compassion
    Surrender
    True Nature
    Trust
    Uncertainty
    Wisdom

    Click to set custom HTML

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly