The email subject line announces the release of this quarter’s publication. It’s finally here! After one and a half months of anticipation, I wonder how the article on diversity and inclusivity in healthcare will land on colleagues.
Will they comment on the compassion, insightfulness, or skill of writing? Will they see me in a different light, beyond the part time family physician who doesn’t ‘work as hard’ as others? Will they appreciate the need for diversity and inclusivity awareness? Will they feel inspired to learn and implement some of the suggestions?
Holding my breath, I close the email. There are patients to see, an electronic medical record inbox to attend to. The thoughts almost lift me off the chair, out of the body and to another place far from here.
Earth to Kaveri. Feel your feet on the ground, sits bones on the chair, breath moving through you. You have work to do. The email can wait.
After the dinner dishes have been rinsed, the dishwasher loaded, the family immersed in their evening rituals, I click on the email that links to the newsletter. Scrolling the contents, the heart sinks when I find my article towards the end of the publication, confined to one page, a majority of the original content missing.
What the hell! is my first reaction. I feel like someone has just taken away a prize I never won and stripped me of all false pretensions. Feeling angry, hurt, and exposed, who am I right now? The beautiful writer whose article didn’t make the front cover? The kind, mindful physician who is really an imposter?
There is a strong urge to email the editor with these woes. Excuse me. There’s been a terrible mistake. But something inside encourages connection to the earth for grounding, awareness of breath to notice the subtle transition between stillness and movement, a warmth in the heart to encourage gentleness, and remembrance of the body as 60% water. Water takes on the shape of any container it fills. Can I take on the shape of this moment?
Like inflated balloons being twisted and shaped by a clown at a children’s party, I wonder how many selves were created between writing the article, waiting for its release, and watching for impact. Judgments begin to arise. Hasn’t DPP6 taught you anything by now? There are only 4 months left in the program. Better figure it out soon! The midback tightens where the stone of shame is carried on the shadow side of the heart.
In meditation, compassion and humor are also present, gently popping the inflated balloon selves with pinpoint precision. Awww, Sweetie. Of course these balloons were present. Past karma, causes and conditions. The balloons are pretty frickin’ hilarious, aren’t they? Feel free to cry, laugh, or do both. It’s all welcome here. Metta fire from the heart holds the shadow side in loving awareness.
An email is composed to the editor, thanking them for inclusion of the article in this quarter’s publication. An inquiry is made about changes to the article from its original content. The email ends with metta blessings for the holidays. Another email is received from the CEO of our organization expressing appreciation for the article.
Regardless of the number of painful ‘ego I’ deaths occurring with this experience, the emergence of ‘elemental i’ is totally worth it.
Grounded in Earth.
Breath sensing the subtle transition between stillness and movement.
Metta fire to encourage gentleness.
Body as 60% water, taking on the shape of this moment.
Not self, infinite space holding all of life’s dramas. An open heart learning to love what is real.
(Come explore ego I and elemental i through meditation and reflective journaling. For information click here.)