Category: Freedom - Wisdom in Waves

A Conversation with Silence

7/19/2018

My dear,

You are safe now. There is nothing to fear. No one to blame. You know what is coming. There are no surprises. Sickness, aging, death. Compassion, beauty, joy.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the story line. Who are the characters? Where does it happen? How and why? Do the details matter that much?

What do you want to remember most? Is it worth the energy to even hold on to these words? Can you let them go, trusting they will return to you in some form: a conversation, a feeling, an image you can’t explain right now but intuitively sense has great meaning?

I have never hidden any part of this Great Mystery from you. You see what you need to see, hear what you need to hear. You aren’t missing out on anything. You are who you are, where you are because it’s where you need to be. There are no accidents.

Trust me on this one. Have I ever disappointed you? Lean into the moment. What would it mean to surrender to the waves?

Would you drown?

Or could you float?

*****

I see you, Mara as doubt in her dreams, as dukkha during the day. She doesn’t need to stay small, sad, scared. She is free, for now. When enough nows add up to eternity, she will be free forever.

Love and Ego at the Center

6/28/2018

What she said, what she did really pissed me off. The precept, ‘knowing that our lives intertwine, I vow to speak only what it true, useful and kind‘ felt like a distant memory. Years of painful conditioning begged for release. I wanted to hurt her.

What I really wanted was for her to be conscious, for intimacy in this relationship to be built on something stronger than the ego.

*****

In The Yoga of Relationship, Phillip Moffitt describes three types of relationships: ego at the center, love and ego at the center, and love at the center. Though the model describes romantic relationships, I see how it applies to all relationships – family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, challenging folks, EVERYONE.

I immediately recognize the first type of relationship with this being. For years, the heart has diligently practiced metta for her. I know she is overwhelmed by insecurity, her actions inspired by the promise of ego belonging. It’s why we collide like asteroids so many times, instead of orbiting each other’s celestial being in awe.

May you feel a sense of belonging without the need to criticize others.

I yearn for the second type of relationship where love is also brought into the center with ego. For years, the heart has also practiced metta for this writer. I want to move beyond sense doors that trigger past hurt – sights and sounds that constrict the heart to hurt more and love less.

May I speak my truth with kindness.

“When love and ego are at the center, you are not abandoning or martyring yourself. Instead, you are giving up certain expectations, which means that your relationship to the energy of love is not dependent on your partner (or other being).”

Can I appreciate this being’s cycle of dependent origination causing her to connect mainly through comparison over compassion? Can I renounce certain expectations, so that my relationship to love is not dependent on her? Can this relationship be built on Metta (lovingkindness), Karuna (compassion), Mudita (joy), Upekkha (equanimity), where the heart is not just a welcome doormat easily stepped on, but a heavenly abode that opens to love’s possibility when feeling resourced and safe?

*****

What she said, what she did still pisses me off. The hurt is less. Wanting her to be more conscious, I turn inward, asking citta (heart-mind) for intimacy in this relationship to be built on something stronger than the ego, for the Brahmaviharas to hold us both.

(May the benefits of this practice be shared by all beings who struggle in relationship, all beings yearning for conscious connection.)

Waking Up to the Love That is Here - Reflections from Retreat

6/9/2018

Thank you DoriMa and Kairos House Sangha for shaping my experience and heart. May the metta force field protect us all.

*****

Day 1

No one in the driver’s seat
Ignition empty of keys
Car is parked right here
Where every journey begins

The words tiptoe into consciousness at five something am the morning I leave for Spokane. A retreat will begin today with Dori Ma and the Kairos House Sangha, “Waking up to the Love That is Here”.

At breakfast my partner asks what number I am in line for boarding the Southwest flight. A momentary “oh, oh” lodges in the belly. I never forget the boarding pass. Never. It’s either forgetfulness, feeling too relaxed, or something else.

Holding on to a pass labeled C18, I’m skeptical of Southwest employees allowing a large backpack containing a zafu, an oblong rolled up yoga mat, and a medium sized purse to be carried by one person on to the plane. But no one says anything.

Surprise shifts to surrender. I have no idea what will happen in the next moment. I may be asked to check in something, or not. Boarding the plane, there’s a seat in between two folks in the fourth row on the left hand side. The overhead bin has space for the large backpack. Yoga mat and purse keep my feet company beneath the seat in front of me.

Grateful for having an inspiring conversation with a Nigerian American Uber driver about diversity, politics, history, and his family on the drive to the airport, as well as a Caucasian man born and raised in the Bay Area now retired and living an exciting, unplugged, retired life in Montana’s company before the flight, I’m waking up to the love that is here.

Day 2

A story is shared in the morning practice session of a Buddha statue in Asia covered in plaster. One day a monk detected a crack, a glimmer of light from within. The Gold Buddha was encased in plaster to protect invaders over centuries from stealing it.

How is my True Nature encased in greed, hatred, delusion? A subtle aversion has surrounded this heart. Comparing Mind takes note of the bathroom, my room, the food, the meditation space, fellow yogis on retreat. This isn’t DPP6. This isn’t Spirit Rock.

In a morning sit, I trace the aversion back to Spokane Airport where I first landed yesterday. I was looking for some colored fish in a sea of white foam to feel a sense of belonging.

No wonder I’m feeling like a fish out of native Sangha waters. I may be the only POC here.

*****

We take the five precepts together. Knowing that our lives are intertwined, I vow to protect all life. This particular precept thins the aversion. The heart quivers. A few tears fall. What do I vow to protect?

I carry the inquiry into walking meditation. Black flies buzz and attempt bites at the nape of the neck and hairline. I want to protect all life, not just a few precious humans, cute and pretty creatures. Even black flies.

Choosing a different walking path close by, there are still a few black flies hovering, buzzing, waiting. I do my best to gently, lovingly brush or blow them away as another yogi catches my eye.

She is walking with hands cupping both sides of the head and neck. The mudra (gesture) holds both the black flies and herself in a circle of Metta. Brilliant idea!

Citta feels an immediate kinship with her. Heart connections are reinforced through exchange of well wishes with other yogis throughout the day. This isn’t DPP6 or Spirit Rock. It’s the Kairos House Sangha in Spokane, Washington detecting a crack in the aversion plastered around this heart, Metta emerging from within.

*****

The day ends with a dedication of merit, palms open to catch late spring petals of today’s practice. The petals are pressed in prayer book palms closing together with heads humbly bowed. May hands open to share these soft petals with loved ones at home, with every being we meet, especially when we forget.

Day 3

Good morning sweetheart. I love you. Loving presence is always with you.

I’m accepting the invitation offered yesterday to practice waking up with Metta as the first thought of the day.

The morning is overcast, wet. Rain fell overnight, moistening the earth for growth. Setting the first Metta intentions for the day in meditation and Qigong practice (and maybe beyond), may I meet all experience with kindness and love. May the earth, all her creatures, be loved and respected.

That’s a tall order. Is that even possible? Her whispers dispel doubting thoughts. I see Her in a frog, a slug, black-eyed susans and pine trees on a morning walk. I hear her in birds chirping, the wind-breath of the Spokan silenced long ago, voices still audible to those willing to listen, the clanking of cutlery against bowls and dishes as yogis partake of Her bounty at breakfast.

She is best friend, advocate, wise advisor, the kind voice and loving energy that pulses through all life.

Can I see Her, hear Her in all?

*****

It’s time to practice Metta for a neutral being, someone who doesn’t invoke a strong like or dislike in us. Examples are offered of who this neutral being could be. I resonate with the example of the garbage collector.

Closing the eyelids, I picture all the larger vehicles I typically pass on the way to work: trucks carrying groceries or goods, school buses carrying children, para transit vans carrying disabled persons to appointments. The Metta phrase comes naturally for the drivers of these vehicles:

May your load be carried with ease.

Their response surprises me.

May you be patient with our load.

Before I know it, motorcyclists and bicyclists are appearing on this meditation drive. Wait a minute! You all aren’t carrying a big load. You’re weaving in between lanes and may get side-swiped in a driver’s blind spot. You’re running stop signs and red lights.

Maybe their load is hidden. Fear of being late to work and losing a job. Distracted by a troubled relationship causing them to take dangerous risks. A life of invincibility untouched by loss.

Neutral beings transform into difficult beings, specific individuals in my life who are hard to forgive.

The heart stretches a bit.

May your load be carried with ease.

Their response encourages me.

May you be patient with our load.

*****

The heart is primed to send blood rich Metta to difficult ones. Can I do this? So much anger, fear and hurt. Anything is possible sensing South Asian Panther aka Bhaiya by my side, an ally who easily reflects my True Nature.

*****

Good night sweetheart. I love you. Loving presence is always with you.

I’m accepting the invitation offered yesterday to practice going to sleep with Metta as the last thought of the day.

Day 4

My greatest wound is abandonment, umbilical chord not only severed at birth, but figuratively falling off the face of Mother Earth. Unwanted child, knocking on the doors of several hearts, begging for love. Who will take me in? Who will understand?

In Qigong, we polish the stone. Another Metta phrase spontaneously arises. May I polish the heart stone to uncover my True Nature. Reversing directions, may you polish the heart stone to uncover your True Nature.

A flash of insight. The heart stone sparkles in sunlight. How did I not see this before?

Wherever you are standing,
sitting, walking, or lying down,
the earth knows,
cradling feet, sits bones, back, head.
Wherever you are
with friend or foe,
why worry about safety?
You are Metta
embodied,
getting curious, asking questions,
seeking authentic connection.
How can you ever be lost
when the earth knows
where you are?

My greatest joy is belonging, a sparkling jewel at the node of life’s web, Metta embodied, mirroring all life, all of life reflecting me.

The earth knows where I am.

*****

It’s time to send Metta to groups of beings. Who do I want to choose? Releasing the need to know, to have a plan, the first group appears. All those that struggle with sleep.

May you be wide awake when necessary, and sleep well.

Metta is slowly generated for other groups experiencing what I am on retreat in this moment: midback pain from sitting, a chill in the bones from wet, washed hair.

May your back support you. May you feel ease.
May you have shelter and warmth from the cold.

There is also joy: a bright and sunny day outside, unplugged from the Matrix of rushing, performing, stretching till I’m about to break.

Metta is generated for other groups who may not experience this. Prisoners in solitary confinement, persons home bound due to a specific condition, fetuses swirling in an amniotic sea who may never see, feel the light of a bright and sunny day. Parents working two jobs to make ends meet at home, high school students stressing over grades, ACT’s, and SAT’s to make it into a prestigious college promising a home away from home, those who ride the corporate rainbow for a pot of gold at the other end with little chance to unplug.

If you cannot go outside, may you feel the light of love.
If you cannot unplug from the Matrix, may you experience moments of rest.

Like a venn diagram, I sense the overlap among circles of Metta, Karuna, Mudita, Uppekha.

Sensing what is needed within and outside, may I offer it up readily to myself and others, ambrosia of the gods. May I receive it from others when feeling unresourced and overwhelmed.

*****

In a group process, we generate Metta for winged ones, water based ones, four leggeds, and creepy crawlers. Are these just wishes for their safety, wellbeing, ease, and freedom, or will the wishes be actualized?

Taking this inquiry outside into Nature and walking meditation, I walk a straight line back and forth. Thoughts stay logical. So I begin to walk in a circle, spiraling towards a center of creative knowing.

What beings have to die so I can live? How can old patterns in thought, word, and deed die so more creatures might live?

May we continue to ask these questions in reverence for all life, not just our own.

*****

The sun is setting between pine trees, last glimmers of light before the evening talk, before darkness sets in and the outside world encroaches.

So many wonderful moments. What do I want to remember most?

The answer comes in a quote/teaching shared in the evening talk. “Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.” (Zen master Sono)

Day 5

I wake up way before the alarm sounds. A jackhammer headache is drilling through the right temple. The throat is slightly sore with some post nasal drip.

Shit! This isn’t how I want the retreat to end!

Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.

Are you kidding? I can hear this when the heart is full of Metta. Right now, it’s encased in so much aversion. Gold Buddha? Where are you? Is Sono taunting me or offering freedom? I choose freedom.

In morning meditation, I decide to try lying down in a restorative yoga posture. That’s it Kaveri. Rest.

Her (Jackie Long, founder of Mind Body Moms) words sing to me sweetly.

You are working so hard
You are giving so much love
You are being held by us
By the earth and stars above

You will find your way through this
You will make it through somehow
We all see how strong you are
And we know your ready now

Once again, the lullaby thins the aversion. May the body support me. May I rest deeply. May this practice be for all beings in transition.

*****

We drive to the airport, exchanging reflections of gratitude and awe. My fellow yogi was sitting to my left the whole time in the meditation hall, offering silent support, humor when sharing, and now a gentle ride into an unknown future.

Husband and daughter pick me up from Oakland Airport. They are always there when I need love, when I need to learn. Their eyes, their smiles say it all.

Welcome home.

The Hole: Reflecting on Cittabhavana

3/3/2018

Go ahead. Fall into that hole. We all do, sometimes repeatedly. Walk the path, right over the leaves and sticks that hide the ditch, false ground made of desire, aversion, delusion.

It’s cold down there, darkness all around you, walls closing in. There’s no room to move, to breathe. How did you get here?

Suddenly, that shiny object of desire, this other place that promised paradise when you were averse to Here, the delusion of something better, feels isolating. It’s not so special anymore.

What if cittabhavana is possible, the luminous nature of mindheart unclouded by mental defilements? Is it worth climbing out of the ditch to walk with awareness, to celebrate the transition from ignorance to freedom?

I don’t care if you fell. I’ve fallen, too. I’m so done with hiding in that pit. I want to feel sunlight on my face, rain washing away old perceptions of self.

Reflecting on the trench’s discomfort and what supported the way out, let’s catch glimpses of cittabhavana, our capacity for clear seeing, beauty, and joy. Let’s walk together.

We’ll fall again. Faith is trusting that one of us will discover the hole is a trap, a false refuge, holding a hand out to the other so we both take one step closer to Home.

The Coin in Your Pocket

5/27/2017

The sunny side of the heart
is where we all want to live,
avoiding the shadow at any cost,
the chill of loss and loneliness
that lingers like thick fog.

What if true wealth
is not in the address
or the ratio of good to bad,
but the coin in your pocket,
with heads for joy
and tails for compassion?

May compassion transform pain
into the possibility of freedom,
understanding that a moment’s
richness was never dependent
on an external sun.

It’s the 7th straight day of waking up with a headache and some heartburn. What the hell is going on? Am I sleeping enough? Am I eating too much? Maybe it’s something on the taboo list. Too much chocolate? Am I worried about something? I thought the homeopathic remedy was working. Maybe I need another dose. What’s wrong with me???

As a physician, it’s easy for me to quickly analyze symptoms, form hypotheses for possible causes, and rule out conditions that don’t fit the diagnosis of what I am experiencing. It’s how I was trained. Western medicine is great for this kind of flawless, clear cut analysis. But is it so flawless and clear cut? And does this help a human like me with real fear and personal judgements about what’s going on?

In working with patients, I’m finding that astute clinical acumen is not as important as the ability to listen and appreciate their stories. A patient naturally wants an accurate diagnosis and therapy that will help them feel better. But the fears they share, the self-judgements that add layers to their suffering, aren’t easily alleviated with a quick prescription.

As humans, we desire security, satiety, sanity (and so much more). We want to live on the sunny side of the heart, avoiding illness, aging, loss, all dissatisfaction at any cost. I am no exception. I’d rather wake up with a clear head and belly ready to digest anything that comes my way with ease.

The thinking mind is helpful if it’s willing to ask wise discerning questions with curiosity and kindness, patient for the answers that come. It’s not helpful when the mind acts like a merciless lawyer interrogating me on the witness stand for a crime I didn’t commit.

What if the true wealth of this world, this life is not in the address of where you’d like to live, who you should be, or the ratio of good to bad moments? What if the coin in your pocket has joy on one side and compassion on the other side? Joy typically isn’t a problem for most of us. It’s the shadow side, the challenges in our lives that ask for compassionate attention.

We crave for things to be a certain way, cling to certain ideals. When we get what we don’t want, or push away things as they are, the heart space is filled with struggle. Only compassion can transform this pain into freedom. We don’t have to like what is happening. We do need to love the life that is being affected by the struggle. When we understand that a moment’s richness is never dependent on an external promise of happiness, we begin to trust our internal capacity to simply bear witness.

*****

It’s the 7th straight day of waking up with a headache and some heartburn. What the hell is going on? Before I pop an Advil or Zantac to prematurely block the inquiry, I sit still. Question marks and exclamation points float like balloons through this sky mind. Placing a hand on my heart, I breathe till the breath is not so constricted by fear and the judgments that follow. I feel compassionate presence growing stronger.

Though I’d rather celebrate a moment of pure joy, the realization slowly comes like a good friend tapping my shoulder to point out something I’ve missed. Among the question marks and exclamation points, images of Padmapani and lotus hearts begin to emerge.

*****

When our thoughts are stuck on the spin cycle of Samsara, we can press the pause button and use a different washer to purify these thoughts. Before we place the laundry coin in, we can notice how compassion and joy are two sides of the same coin, this vast heart that has space for it all. Welcome or not, each moment has the potential for full engagement, because of the coin in your pocket.

(Note: This reflection is not meant to minimize or gloss over the intense suffering that comes with chronic illness, loss, social unrest, environmental degradation, etc. It’s an invitation to explore the smaller inconveniences in life, to cultivate a compassionate presence that stays when the larger waves hit, to appreciate the flip of compassion to joy, and back to compassion, depending on what each moment requires. May the benefits of this inquiry be shared by all beings everywhere without exception.

If this reflection is not helpful, let it pass in the sky mind till images that are useful to you appear. May your spiritual thirst for freedom lead you to your own fountain of meaning.)

Padmapani by Vijaya

"It's Messy at Best"

5/14/2017

I thought we would be friends forever. I thought we could overcome any obstacle of hurt. Maybe I was wrong.

A dear friend and I recently exchanged words that left us both feeling angry, stunned, and upset. I tried to bridge the gap of misunderstanding with acknowledgment of my contribution to the confusion. I also tried to respect her perspective without compromising my own. It was my idea of a peace offering. For her, it was a bomb that had sadly backfired. I was dangerous, and she didn’t want the enemy anywhere near her.

My thoughts would not stop trying to console me. They ranged from extremes of self-righteous positions blaming my friend, and inferior positions blaming myself for my heartlessness. Judging us both was painful, so painful, that I longed to think my way out if this tangle. What Buddhist practice could help me unravel this confusion? Was it the three characteristics of existence, the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path, understanding of the Middle Way, or something else?

The harder I tried to understand, the tenser I got. During a weary morning sit, a voice reminded me to let go, surrender, and relax the resistance. That is the moment I began to heal with an embodied presence as opposed to a spiritual bypass. Over the next few days, I reached out to Sangha to help me process what happened. The above Buddhist concepts were no longer mental gymnastics that weakened understanding, but strengthened it through R.A.I.N.

I know in my heart that seeds of understanding are being watered, nurtured, and sprouting in silence. I don’t know what will happen to the friendship. Emotions of anger, fear, and sadness still rise like tidal waves threatening to drown and submerge my clarity in cold darkness. But I will no longer say no to them. I’ve been here before – past lives, previous relationships, praying for freedom. The heart must be irritated to form pearls of wisdom.

Reconciliation Prayer

I’m tired of trying to change you,
rattling the bars around this heart prison
expecting you to have the key.
Where’s the sunlight, connection, and joy in that?
What if i am an open door allowing
you to come and go as you please,
not trying to cage you with small thoughts,
but spacious awareness that sees everything?
What if i get to know you, understand you?
Would i choose to stay?
Dear Universe, help us find each other,
eyes meeting in peaceful resolve
till the first words spoken are kind.

May I be patient with this process of learning. May I be kind and gentle with myself, not taking these exchanges so personally. May I remember my sincere wish to wake up and attract relationships of wise, mutual understanding.

May the Universe support your need to be heard and understood. May you be happy, well, safe, peaceful, and at ease. May our eyes meet in peaceful resolve till the first words spoken are kind.

May all relationships (family, friendships, acquaintances, strangers, perceived enemies, animals, plants) be held in wise reflection, wise exchange, wise effort, till the first words spoken are kind.

Manifesting: Journaling and Meditation

2/6/2017

Manifesting Candle by Rachel Ho

These are dark times.
Trust your flame to
rekindle the light in others.
If your flame is flickering
unsteadily through
the howling winds of change,
burn through the wax
of core beliefs down to
the base of your true essence.
Rest in this pool
of quiet awareness.
Let the melted wax
fuel your flame
to burn bright again.

These are dark times. Do you trust your flame to rekindle the light in others? Or is your flame flickering unsteadily through the howling winds of change?

A few days ago, I felt more like the flickering flame. I couldn’t trust my heart to inspire others. As I was practicing a guided meditation I would lead in a meditation and writing class, I felt a warmth in my chest. When I reached home, I grabbed my journal and pen and began to investigate some core beliefs using Byron Katie’s four questions from The Work. After completing the journaling process, I could feel the warmth spreading from my heart to my neck, shoulders, and upper back. The core beliefs no longer felt like shackles, but invitations to experience a lighter way of living.

Surprised and excited by this outcome, I called up a dear friend to share my process. I wanted to declare my independence not only to her but to the whole Universe. As she listened attentively, Rachel shared her own beautiful process of melting core beliefs through a candle meditation. I couldn’t help but draw certain parallels to both processes. What if they were combined in the name of freedom, in the name of healing? The synergy could be incredible. Creative energy was already surging through me.

That night, I fell asleep with words from the poem above swirling in my head like a puzzle waiting to be solved. When I woke up, the pieces were starting to fit. Byron Katie’s questions help us to define our core beliefs, to sense the suffering they cause, and to create our own unique prison key turnaround statements.

The turnaround statement(s) can then be the eye of the candle flame. Meditating on the flame, we can burn through the wax of core beliefs down to the base of our true essence. Resting in this pool of amorphous, melted wax, of quiet awareness, we can trust it to fuel our flame, to burn bright again.

The next shape of our candle, our being, our life, is all up to us.

(If you are interested in having a manifesting workshop using the tools above at your workplace, spiritual, or personal residence please contact me here. I can’t promise the use of real candles depending on fire hazard restrictions. I'm happy to discuss details, cost, etc.)

In the Way is the Way

10/26/2016

All these discrepancies in life,
jagged rocks in my way
when I'd rather walk a clear path.
May I trust this moment to teach me,
to thaw this frozen self,
completely melting into a river
flowing over and through
the unwanted parts of you and me
till there is nothing left
but a natural scene of beauty--
river embracing rocks over centuries
and sometimes dissolving them.

The car that cuts you off. The dead-end relationship when you’re too tired to look for a detour. The prediction of rain when you crave a dry and sunny day. The body screaming for attention when you just don’t have the time to listen.

All these discrepancies in life are like jagged rocks in your way when you’d rather walk a clear path. The usual tendency is to avoid the problem or try and manipulate it like playdough. How much of your time is spent trying to bulldoze through those jagged rocks, cover them up, or search for an easier path? How much energy does this consume? Might this energy be conserved or used in healthier ways?

When I meet a patient with a chief complaint of fatigue, we discuss his/her sugar intake, sleep pattern, activity level, caffeine, alcohol, and substance use, life stresses, and possible underlying medical conditions, medications that might contribute to the fatigue. What I am discovering in their stories and my own in enlightening. So much of our energy, our wellbeing is depleted when we are fighting life rather than flowing with it. Our poor bodies are stressed and strained by all the bulldozing, covering up, and frantic searching.

Sogyal Rinpoche writes, “If everything dies and changes, then what is really true? Is there something behind the appearances, something boundless and infinitely spacious, something in which the dance of change and impermanence takes place? Is there something in fact we can depend on, that does survive what we call death?”

So many of our fears stem from a mistrust in the path directly ahead of us, especially if we are anticipating discomfort from difficulty. What if we can engage in practices that prepare our hearts for anything? This doesn’t mean we should like what is happening, or that we shouldn’t take the necessary steps to protect ourselves and create healthy boundaries when needed. It does mean we can learn to trust this moment to teach us, to thaw this frozen self, completely melting into a river flowing over and through the unwanted parts of ourselves and others. It does mean that we can try and release stories of a small, separate, and fearful self into the lap of Loving Presence.

As you read this, you might be wondering, “These concepts sound wonderful and liberating, but where do I begin?” I began this journey ten years ago by walking into Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA for a beginner’s class on mindfulness meditation. Since then, it has been one incredible journey allowing my prayers to be “the bridge between longing and belonging.” (John O’Donohue)

Wherever you choose to begin, please offer up your prayers on wings of fireflies into the darkness of uncertainty, trusting that the Universe will answer with luminous love. May all these discrepancies in life, jagged rocks in your way become the way. May you flow like a river embracing these rocks over centuries, and sometimes dissolve them in the lap of your own Loving Presence.

Great Falls by Mike Keller

Satellite Call

8/22/2016

Image by Unsplash

Dear Kaveri,

How I’ve missed you! I miss you when you visit the past trying to make sense of how and why things played out the way they did. I miss you when you visit the future wanting to know the exact details so you won’t be swallowed by a potential land mine. I miss you when you fantasize about an alternate reality that sounds better than this one.

I know that most times I am not all that exciting. The few times that I am, you’ll want to fly into the future imagining more moments like this and where they might lead. If I’m challenging, you might revisit the past and feel weighed down by much more than what is actually happening right now.

Kaveri, you don’t get a demerit for leaving me. I’m not like a ruthless god or angry parent who will only pay attention and care about you only if you’re perfect. I understand the temptation to leave. It’s in your genetics, your blood, your bones. To reach for me, to return to the freedom and peace I offer takes a great deal of patience and courage.

Thank you for remembering me today. Thank you for stopping periodically to connect with me, to receive my benevolence and well wishes for you on the inbreath, releasing past, future, and fantasy on the outbreath. It is a radical act of kindness, of perseverance, of faith unlike any other.

May you know that no matter how often you leave me, you are always welcome here. How I’ve missed you!

Your Faithful Friend on The Journey,
This Moment

Listen to Satellite Call by Sara Bareilles

From Anxiety to Acceptance

7/9/2016

Sunlit Wooded Path, Summer Green Trees by Carlin Blahnik

“You’re being overly anticipatory.”

His words sting, a familiar wound I’ve felt before. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to begin Saturday morning this way. I want to go back to riding the magic carpet high of peaceful communication.

But a faint whisper reminds me of my commitment to inner freedom.

For some time, there is a tug of war between thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.

He doesn’t know me.
He doesn’t understand me.
He doesn’t love me.

Now hold on and wait a minute, Kaveri. Don’t you think that last thought is stretching it a bit? I get that you’re feeling angry and hurt. But do you really believe he doesn’t love you?

Planning my words carefully as if I’m at the UN trying to draft a peace treaty between two warring nations, I rehearse what I might say.

You have a right to your opinion, but I know who I am. I’m a mother who cares about packing a healthy snack containing protein and carbs for our daughter’s Middle School Bike Skills training camp.

I realize that statement still sounds pretty self-righteous. I’m not ready yet to feel the long face or heavy heart. Maybe silence is best for now. I kiss our daughter good bye but turn away from him as he is leaving to ride with her.

On a hike at Foothill Park, I listen to Tara Brach’s talk on Stress and Everyday Nirvana Part 2. I surrender to the body sensations as thoughts and feelings fade into the background. With the wilderness and a wild emotional heart as witness, I contemplate Tara’s words.

A problem can be a portal to freedom.

I place hands on my belly and heart and hear the voice again caught on a summer breeze. The first time I heard these words was in meditation a few days ago.

drum beating heart and twisted gut
a hand on each, listening
till there is nothing left to say
but I’m here and I love you

****

Father and daughter return from Middle School Bike Skills training camp in the early afternoon. Trusting the body sensations more than thoughts/feelings to be my portal to freedom:

He does know me.
He does understand me.
He does love me.

What if his statement, “You’re being overly anticipatory.”, was just a statement? What if it reflected more of his preference in packing snacks for the bike training camp? What if he wasn’t saying that I am one big giant blob of anxiety - bones nourished by the blood of a primitive biology? Who could I be?

I could be a woman transformed by these practices of mindfulness and heartfulness, moving from anxiety to acceptance under a canopy of guardian trees.

A problem can be a portal to freedom.