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On Retreat

5/23/2016

On past retreats, I’d usually celebrate the escape from family noise and chaos. I love you all dearly, but I know you’ll be OK for a few days without me. Watch all the late night movies while crunching that popcorn in your mouths. Invite all the guests you want. Have a party! I’ll be celebrating my own party in silence.

But this retreat is different. I packed photos of you all in my suitcase to place on the community altar. One might guess I brought you along because I would miss you. Pictures would help me to remember. Or maybe I wanted you to receive the benefits and blessings of my time here. Whatever the reason, you are here now, and it just feels so natural, so right.

For years I wished each one of you would be different. Why was I the only one practicing mindfulness and compassion? It would be so much easier if you would help to carry the burden of blame. But that isn’t how it works, is it? I practice not only for myself, but for all beings far and near, especially those who are near.

On this retreat, each day I light a candle in your names, missing the news of my beloved husband’s work, my beautiful daughter’s spring choir concert, my loving mother’s new recipes or news of the extended family. I also ache to know myself- how kaveri as Loving Presence makes a difference in her community, how her heart, mind, and spirit are still tangled in so many places.

I sit with the mistakes and breaths of redemption as rivulets of feelings flow through the heart. Thank you dear ones for being just who you are, with all of your particular idiosyncrasies, all the elements that continue to shape my love for you and this life.
Each day I light a candle in your names, certain that the flame will dance with determination and flicker from exhaustion, certain that the flame will be rekindled several times by the poetry I feel inside.

Each day I light a candle
in your names--
missing you, aching
to know myself,
sitting with the mistakes
and breaths of redemption
as rivulets of tears
flow through the heart,
thankful for the elements
that continue to shape
my love for you
and this life.

As Loving Presence, i can practice for us all.
And it’s enough.

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Sharing the Sky

5/9/2016

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"harvest moon ducks" by joiseyshowaa

As he sharpens his intellect
I soften my heart
Afraid to be stabbed multiple times
Afraid of bleeding to death
Will I survive?
Will we survive?

Can we be like sun and moon
Sharing the sky
Meeting at twilight and dawn
Where his brilliance softens
Where moonlight isn’t the only
Manifestation of guidance

Where we both flourish
As celestial beings
Sensing sunfire in me
And moondust in you
Expressions of the Universe
Made of the same matter

I fell in love with his brave heart, how he would die like Mel Gibson in the movie to defend a worthy cause. The honeymoon years were kind, full of fairytale dreams come true. Prince Charming was handsome, affectionate, attentive. He didn’t miss a thing.

Or was I wearing 3-D movie glasses from the very start, adding depth and dimensions to his personality that never existed? Maybe I was watching an entirely different movie from the start.

As the years have passed, it feels like my heart is more like play dough – soft and malleable to the life stories I receive. His has hardened. But his intellect is sharper than ever. When we disagree, and I don’t have an argument that is intellectually, scientifically, logically sound, I feel like my heart is being stabbed multiple times. I’m afraid I’ll bleed to death, and I don’t know if I will survive, if we will survive.

What if his point of view is simply his point of view, and has no bearing on my perspective? What if we could be like sun and moon sharing the sky, meeting at twilight and dawn where his brilliance (intellect) softens, and my moonlight (willingness to shine the light of loving presence on dark places) isn’t the only manifestation of guidance for others?

His heart was never hard. My intellect was never dull. Sensing sunfire in me and moondust in him, we are both unique expressions of the Universe made of the same matter.

If we are made of the same matter, why would we ever want to hurt each other? The cycle of Samsara dictates that we will hurt each other again. Let these words remind us that we are all celestial beings sharing the sky. May we move past the hurt to the deep understanding that if we are made of the same matter, we must want the same thing.

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Stay

5/1/2016

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Image from cover of The Mystery Experience by Tim Freke

It's warm here
Breath against the nostrils
Rise and fall of the chest
Soft belly tensing less
Against the world
One hand holding the other
Wise whisper from within
Beckoning,
Stay

It's hard to be present when the past haunts you or the future predicts disaster. Clouds veiling mountains in mystery and majesty are missed because of the mush inside your head. The soft whisper from within beckoning you to stay in this meditative moment is muted by the loud voices urging you to complete the do list or replay old scenes in movie mind a thousand times till you get it right.

Formal meditation practices are wonderful in giving your spinning mind some training wheels to pedal back to the present each time it leaves, to notice the direction the wheels turn, to hear the sound of their spinning. But formal meditation practice may not be your cup of tea.

If not, you can notice your connection to the ground when you walk from one place to another, the way your body moves with each step. You can taste the bitter sweetness of the next dark chocolate square, or the tartness of the next raspberry you blissfully bite into. You can hear all the instruments and vocal highs and lows of your favorite song. The five senses are a great gateway to this place called Here when you are tempted to engage elsewhere.

It's important to practice mindfulness when you are relatively calm. This helps to strengthen the muscle memory for ways to return to the arms of Loving Presence when you are stressed. But please don't turn this into another self-improvement project. Heaven knows we already have enough of those painfully embedded into our psyches!

A new definition of mindfulness is emerging for me. In addition to paying attention to my present moment experience with kindness, I must also gently release where I have been. To do this, I need to trust that there is something larger than the wild stories of past failures and a future apocalypse. Something that will hold me here like gravity, something that will instill a deep oak like trust that I won't easily be uprooted with the next storm. And if I am uprooted, I can lay my body down on Mother Earth to rest, standing only when I am ready to try again.

Whether you call your practice of preference mindfulness, prayer, or sacred presence, may the soft whisper from within beckon you to stay. May you trust this moment’s design above all else before the next kaleidoscope turn or events. This pattern is potent, precious. It holds your freedom, your happiness, your love.

Will you stay?

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On Retreat

Sharing the Sky

Stay

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