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From Anxiety to Acceptance

7/9/2016

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Picture
Sunlit Wooded Path, Summer Green Trees by Carlin Blahnik


“You’re being overly anticipatory.”

His words sting, a familiar wound I’ve felt before.  I don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to feel this.  I don’t want to begin Saturday morning this way.  I want to go back to riding the magic carpet high of peaceful communication.

But a faint whisper reminds me of my commitment to inner freedom.

For some time, there is a tug of war between thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.
 

He doesn’t know me.
He doesn’t understand me.
He doesn’t love me.


Now hold on and wait a minute, Kaveri.  Don’t you think that last thought is stretching it a bit?  I get that you’re feeling angry and hurt.  But do you really believe he doesn’t love you?
​

Planning my words carefully as if I’m at the UN trying to draft a peace treaty between two warring nations, I rehearse what I might say.

You have a right to your opinion, but I know who I am.  I’m a mother who cares about packing a healthy snack containing protein and carbs for our daughter’s Middle School Bike Skills training camp.

I realize that statement still sounds pretty self-righteous.  I’m not ready yet to feel the long face or heavy heart.  Maybe silence is best for now.  I kiss our daughter good bye but turn away from him as he is leaving to ride with her.

On a hike at Foothill Park, I listen to Tara Brach’s talk on Stress and Everyday Nirvana Part 2.  I surrender to the body sensations as thoughts and feelings fade into the background.  With the wilderness and a wild emotional heart as witness, I contemplate Tara’s words.


A problem can be a portal to freedom.

I place hands on my belly and heart and hear the voice again caught on a summer breeze.  The first time I heard these words was in meditation a few days ago.

drum beating heart and twisted gut
a hand on each, listening
till there is nothing left to say
but I’m here and I love you


****

Father and daughter return from Middle School Bike Skills training camp in the early afternoon.  Trusting the body sensations more than thoughts/feelings to be my portal to freedom:


He does know me.
He does understand me.
He does love me.



What if his statement, “You’re being overly anticipatory.”, was just a statement?  What if it reflected more of his preference in packing snacks for the bike training camp?  What if he wasn’t saying that I am one big giant blob of anxiety - bones nourished by the blood of a primitive biology?  Who could I be?

I could be a woman transformed by these practices of mindfulness and heartfulness, moving from anxiety to acceptance under a canopy of guardian trees.
​

A problem can be a portal to freedom.

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    Kaveri Patel, a woman who is always searching for the wisdom in waves.

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