(Inspired by “Small Kindness” by Danusha Laméris)


It’s relatively quiet on the hike-
minimal sounds of birds chirping,
lizards scurrying across the path,
footsteps against dry leaves and dirt.
The few hikers I meet have
facial expressions masked.
I can’t tell if they are smiling,
frowning, or the lips are flat-lined.
Out of nowhere comes this silent scream.
When will this all end? 
When can I see your face again?
Like a mother holding the frustrations 
of an impatient child,
I try and open to what’s here-
uncertainty, the wish for things to be different.
All I can do is thank a hiker
for stepping aside so I can pass,
wave to another hiker,
Enjoy your hike.
When I can’t see your face,
words and hand gestures 
will have to be enough.
I still miss the smiles.

I’m surprised by the negative polarization against police officers after the death of George Floyd, and so many others. Don’t get me wrong. There are many overwhelming emotions moving though this heart-mind as they may be for you (anger bordering on rage, unspeakable fear, deep disappointment and hurt to name a few). Unnecessary violence masked in innocence, fueled by ignorance and implicit bias is never a good thing.

I can’t just point my finger at all the cases of police brutality. This may sound crazy, but the folks I find myself practicing Tonglen for first are police officers Derek Chauvin, J. Alexander Kueng, Thomas Lane, Tou Thao, and other officers, as well as George Floyd and others meeting death in savage, inhumane ways. How on earth did these officers think that what they were doing was OK, “equally” protecting the lives of all citizens? How are we as a society (you and I) contributing to macro and micro acts of violence on a smaller scale in the places we hold power?

I want to remember that not all police officers are like those who are getting the greatest publicity right now, that there are those who have deep respect and reverence for African American lives. And, this is also a wake-up call for more training and awareness, not just for the “guilty” officers, but for us all. As you are moved to demonstrate the yang of fierce compassion in whatever way you feel is right, please be a contemplative warrior for meaningful change looking at the 3 fingers pointing back at you when it’s so easy to place blame elsewhere.
​
Here is one way you might consider growing in awareness, making an intentional shift from racial innocence and distress to racial literacy and harmony within community.

Yoga from the Neck Down
 
Sensations speaking, 
not caring if I injure myself 
or look like an expert yogini to others.
Pleasant, unpleasant, neutral
like relatives knocking on the door.
Let me in or I’ll blow your house down!
Tensing against or bowing,
allowing in each asana,
opening the door to the heart
knowing I can always say
no thank you
when it doesn’t feel safe,
when metta for the one who is breathing
is yet to be known and named.

 
In yoga class we welcomed parts of ourselves that felt separate, unwanted, like an orphan abandoned by disturbed parents. I embraced Sadness, a child left behind by circumstances and raised with the South Asian conditioning of honoring family over the individual. Add on a chatty Buddhist inner critic, and I was sure to blame myself when things went ‘wrong’ with others.
 
In Parami, Ways to Cross Life’s Floods, Ajahn Sucitto asks, “Does your energy come from interest and aspiration, from willingness of heart? Or is it caught up with trying to climb the wrong mountain?” When thoughts and feelings are directing an unpleasant interaction, it’s tempting to believe the story movie mind is projecting. I can’t tell you how often I’ve replayed scenarios, wasting precious energy and time trying to create Leave It to Beaver, Brady Bunch, Family Ties episodes or Facebook videos to replace the ones that are actually happening. How can this being (who is a mindfulness ‘expert’) fail so royally at fixing things. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.
 
I decided to try something different in class today, to practice yoga from the neck down. If unpleasant sensations arose, I didn’t jump to the conclusion that an irreparable injury was imminent. When feeling strong and grounded in a pose, I didn’t assume the pose was perfect and everlasting. If nothing was calling for immediate attention, then a river of breath became the object of awareness as it meandered though the body and surrounding landscape.
 
These sensations felt like relatives, sometimes perceived as The Big Bad Wolf, physically and energetically knocking on the door to this body and heart. My tendency has been one of two extremes: barricading the door with everything I’ve got or opening wide and completely losing balance. What would it mean to fully appreciate the tensing against or bowing and allowing in each asana (pose)?
 
Sucitto writes, “We can never arrive at the imagined perception, but we always experience the results of our intentions. So the important thing is to examine, clarify and stay in touch with our intentions — not our imagined goals.” I can now make space for Sadness in my life, showering her with loving presence and the promise that I will never abandon her. She is key to understanding life’s sinusoidal pattern, that the distance between peak and trough is shorter when intentions are known and implemented.
 
May I be patient and kind.
May I listen to understand.
I have the right to retreat from unpleasant conversation when I don’t feel safe.
 
At first glance, these intentions may sound like they are for others. But when I read them again and listen internally, I can sense what is needed externally, knowing I can always say, “No thank you” when it doesn’t feel safe, when metta for the one who is breathing is yet to be known and named.
​
This isn’t Leave It to Beaver, Brady Bunch, Family Ties episodes or Facebook videos. It’s Real Life, and I want to participate fully, asking, investigating. What happens when I try to control things? What happens when I let go?
 
What happens when the energy of wise intention and discernment is implemented?

This is a verbal garbage dump without
a forethought of what will harm the heart-
speeches, judgements all aimed at
protecting one’s own view while
the unreal other is suffering, too.
 
This could be a love letter, a truce
one brave act of forgiveness,
the walls of division crumbling
because one side is tired of living
inside a limited potential for peace.
 
Shedding tears of individual and collective harm this morning in meditation. So mentally and physically tired by this country’s political climate. Reflecting on dependent origination, karma, and not-self, I realize how important my spoken and written words are.  Do I want to contribute to what this is, or what this could be?

the key of love by Korinna

“The point is to belong to each other, not to be the most right.”
-Thanissara
 
This month I’m asked to contemplate generosity, and how it shows up in everyday life. When I’m paying attention, there is never a dull moment to practice, to sense where the heart can stretch a little bit more to include another being.

*****

It’s bed time. We ask her to put her phone away. The texts between these girls are never ending. Over one hundred in a short span of thirty minutes or so.

Her eyes are sharp, covering a subtle, dark disappointment underneath. I feel the heaviness in her heart, the sense of disconnection from an important social thread happening while she sleeps, while she dreams.

The next day, I gently approach her wounding, inviting her feelings into a conversation, listening. I don’t hide my care and concern for her sleep to freshly face the next day. I also don’t expect her to understand. It isn’t about who gets the final word, but holding us both in a circle of lovingkindness.

*****

It’s 11:28pm. Still no sign of the patient. I can feel forearms and belly tense, mind spinning into the future. There goes lunch, fuel and rest before facing the second half of the day, beings needing someone to listen, someone to understand.

After the medical assistant (MA) finally rooms the patient, checks her vitals, and elicits the reasons for her visit, the MA walks out of the exam room with a raised eyebrow. She tells me the patient has been crying. More tightening in the forearms and belly, the heart door closing. “There goes lunch!” echoing through the mind. Help, where is the key of compassion???

As I walk into the exam room, every square inch of the body is yelling, “Quick! Speed read this chapter of the patient’s story and then get the hell out of there.” But heart-mind has a different plan. “Don’t bookmark the page just yet, Dr. Patel. You’ll like this story. It’s one where generosity plays a vital role.”

Taking a breath for myself and all caregivers who feel as if they are racing against time to be present to patients’ autobiographies, I relax a little more into the moment. Heart-mind helps to ask the right questions, knowing when to listen, move in a little closer to the patient, and when to bookmark the page so we can revisit her story at another time.

The visit ends with a sincere hug between two women, holding each other in a circle of compassion. I wonder if the patient will ever realize the significance of her story.

*****
​
This month I’m asked to contemplate generosity, and how it shows up in everyday life. I’m learning that generosity is not a cultural ‘should’ or obligation to offer time, talents, or resources, but including myself in the circle of lovingkindness and compassion every day. When I can pause, breathe, and check in with heart-mind, an intuitive knowing flows to nourish and sustain the wellbeing of all life, no parts, no hearts left out.
​
As generosity (dana) becomes second nature, it turns into virtue (sila), not a one-time act of kindness, but a continuous way of life. May we hold each other in a circle of kindness and compassion. May we unlock hearts with the generosity key.

What if all desire
soft-petaled, rose-scented
all aversion
pointed porcupine quills
were seen, heard, felt, known?
Would delusion still exist?
Could speech and action 
be motivated by something 
larger than the kilesas?
What kind of world do you want?
History starts now...
 
 
Behind every word, every action, there is a seed of intention, a motivation fueled by desire and/or aversion that that leads to the delusion of real connection. What do I want from you? How are you pissing me off? The subject of relational awareness is quite juicy, quite messy this way.
 
In Don’t Look Down on the Defilements, They Will Laugh at You, Sayadaw U Tejaniya writes, “Every intention comes with a motivation. Most motivations are defilements. Only if you fully recognize and understand defilements, wisdom will arise. Now wisdom will motivate your intentions.”
 
I notice in personal and not so personal relationships that there is often a soft-petaled desire for connection with others. It’s fascinating how much I will alter reality for a hit of rose-scented sweetness high. If you display any pointed porcupine quills in speech or action, you are the ultimate enemy. Get away! A temporary lapse of consciousness takes hold. I’ve never hurt anyone in my life.
 
What if I pause for one minute, one breath (and hopefully longer) to notice, name, and feel the contours of soft-petaled and pointed, their cumulative effects on the heart? Would delusion still exist? “Throughout our life we habitually seek and grasp. To sit back and just watch this happening is difficult. However, this sitting back and just watching is essential to become able to see and understand these habits.”
 
Speech and action can be motivated by something larger than the kilesas. Seeds of loving intention can be planted in the most arid desert or rugged terrain. The heart can bloom from any seed, regardless of fertile soil or fair weather. I have seen this happen, felt the ineffable peace of bodhichitta temporarily free of the kilesas. The connection with self and other is real, transcending the idea of you and me as separate beings. There is an energetic field of safe, loving awareness inviting all beings to enter sacred space. Don’t take my word for it. Come see for yourself. 
 
“You will be happier and get on more harmoniously with other people if you are clearly aware of whatever you do, wherever you are. This only comes easily when there is sustained momentum in the practice; it only becomes possible when there is natural awareness, when awareness becomes second nature.”
 
May we create space in our own hearts to belong, opening the heart door to others.
 
What kind of world do you want? History starts now...
 
​Notes:

Kilesas – The defilements. Greed, hatred, and delusion.
“Trying to create something is greed.
Rejecting what is happening is aversion.
Not knowing if something is happening or has stopped happening is delusion.”

Bodhichitta – The awakened mindheart. “The soft spot, a place as vulnerable and tender as an open wound. It is equated, in part, with our ability to love. Bodhichitta is also equated, in part, with compassion—our ability to feel the pain that we share with others.”
 

​She shares some apprehension she’s feeling about an upcoming math test. I try to listen and let her know the final grade doesn’t matter. What matters most is her preparation for the test. If she comes back with a D, then it’s important to reflect on how this happened, and ultimately connect with us (her parents) for support and guidance.

Before I can complete my thoughts and communicate them with our daughter, my husband interrupts with his point of view. Suddenly, I lose track of where I am and what I’m doing, and feel waves of anger and hurt rise and fall in succession with no safe harbor to break against. It’s tempting to redirect this internal discomfort towards him, but I know from past experience it will only increase the height, force, and impact of the waves. I say nothing.

After the waves have surrendered to a gentle, rhythmic ebb and flow, curious and ready to connect with the shores of my husband’s experience (and share my own), I check in with him. There is a willingness to recede if he isn’t ready. The conversation flows well, and it feels as if two islands have made conscious contact through the wisdom in waves.

*****

​My dear friend from college and I are sharing a room at a hotel for a medical conference. She needs to leave early one morning to drive back home for her son’s soccer game. I’m awake before her alarm goes off in worried anticipation of how this will affect my sleep. It’s not her fault.

I immediately notice the jackhammer sensations in my temples and throbbing behind my eyes. I try to go back to sleep and manage to rest a few hours before getting up. But the damn tension headache is still there! Infusing the breath with kindness, respect, and forgiveness for a mind that generates anxious thoughts and joyful ones, I gently bathe the pounding sensations in loving awareness and even massage them physically. The pulsations are still there, but I am no longer angry, surprised, or disappointed.

*****

​Wise effort isn’t about having every conversation go well, or sleeping peacefully each night (though I still have a secret attachment to these outcomes:) It’s about weaving my wholesome intentions into the fabric of a larger universal design I cannot see. I need to trust that more and more of the design will be revealed when I am ready to learn and understand.
​
Wise effort is also supported by intentionally taking in the good. Psychologist, author, and teacher Rick Hanson says, “In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. That shades “implicit memory” – your underlying expectations, beliefs, action strategies, and mood – in an increasingly negative direction.”  It’s important to balance the negativity bias with joy. Here are some of Dr. Hanson’s suggestions on how to do this.
 
May we weave our wise efforts into the universal fabric of life, detaching from outcome as best as we can. May we incline our minds towards wholesome states of being and loving one another.
​
Thank you, Dear Ones in my life for being my greatest teachers!