breathing into the heart
a door opens
like a gentle breeze
Love enters
whispering
while the mind
is silent
this is who you are
beyond boundaries
beyond words
remember
this thread
of divinity
in all
breathing into the heart a door opens like a gentle breeze Love enters whispering while the mind is silent this is who you are beyond boundaries beyond words remember this thread of divinity in all
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(Inspired by William Stafford’s “The Way It Is”) There is a breath that you follow. Sometimes the breath is heavy, oppressed by circumstance. Sometimes you sing, inspired by a courage beyond words and music. People die. You grow old. You never stop breathing till it’s time for your last one. ***** Disheveled and depressed, his spirit is struggling to stay embodied. After 11 days in the hospital, the white stubble and glazed look in his eyes make me yearn for the man who introduced me to elements of the natural world as if they were my relatives, who sheltered me as his own daughter. He’s still in there somewhere… Sensing that he may respond to touch beyond the squeeze of a blood pressure cuff, the prick of needles drawing blood, even a cold stethoscope meant to hear the breath and beating of life, I ask the nurse for assistance in bathing him. Our hands work gently, methodically, dipping white washcloths into warm soapy water, stroking dry wrinkled skin tenderly, as if we are bathing someone sacred. I hear whispers of encouragement. He is still here. Find him! As if on cue, Papa responds. “Pass me a washcloth to help.” Once the bathing ritual is finished, the nurse proceeds to dress this skeleton of a man in a new patient gown. I reach for the Eucerin cream and began to moisturize dry skin thirsty for better days. A single tear trickles down his cheek. It’s all that he can contribute despite the heavy diuretics he is on. We make eye contact. Something is different. The clouds still linger. There is also a clearing. Today, I am not here as a doctor, Papa. The cardiologist and medicine team have that covered. Today, I am here as your daughter, someone who wants to bathe you in love. What good is modern medicine if loving connection is lost? My father is in the hospital. So many old demons are resurfacing. I feel weighed down by the pandemic and perimenopause. Still, there is something more… Faith is the full moon on a dark night laughing and crying with wonder, the circle of experience held in a tender glow of miracles and mystery- no parts left out. (Inspired by Izumi Shikibu) On a walk at Calaveras Big Trees National Park, the park ranger paused to pay homage to two giant sequoias that shared the same trunk. The trunks were originally separate, and fused together after a fire for mutual benefit and survival. I thought of my mother and daughter, how the umbilical connection was severed between us at birth, how the sacral, sacred burning in my body was a sign. I reflected on all the beings I have pushed away on this camping trip and beyond, the yearning to share the same base, something tender beyond ideas of a separate self. In meditation, the image of the conjoined sequoias arose, inspiring metta for my teachers, for me, for my mother and daughter, for all the beings at camp, and beyond. It wasn’t my body-heart-mind responsible for such vivid and vast imagination, but tapping into a larger, loving life force inherent in all things. Listening to the bell resound at the end of the sit, I was clinging- to the bell, the sequoias, the feeling, fearful that I would walk back into a black and white world where beings scurried frantically around like mice to make meaning. I will continue to disagree with others and feel the pain of separation. I will also persevere in tenderness, beauty, and Soulmaking. It’s what I was born to ‘do’, and who i already am. During spring break, I had the opportunity to visit a butterfly sanctuary in Maui. The fact that it is called The Maui Butterfly Farm (not caterpillar or chrysalis farm) speaks volumes about the value given to the butterfly in its life cycle. The butterfly is beautiful, light, and free – an exquisite symbol of pleasurable moments or stages of life. In contrast, the caterpillar is ugly, heavy, sluggish, always hungry for more. It represents challenges along the way, the wish to transform and be transported elsewhere. For me, the hardest stage to be in sometimes is the chrysalis, the neutral moments of perceived inactivity when questions are marinating in dark space. If I force answers prematurely, wings are torn before possibilities can even take flight. What does it mean to honor each stage, to understand that I am moving through symbolic caterpillar-chrysalis-butterfly stages multiple times, not just once in a lifetime? How would my life change if I wasn’t just chasing butterflies, but embodying the whole picture? ***** In Matty Weingast’s, The First Free Women, original poems inspired by the early Buddhist nuns, Theri Punna (Full) writes: Fill yourself with the Dharma. When you are as full as the full moon-- burst open. Make the dark night shine. Hearing Punna’s whispers inside this body-heart-mind, I wrote the following: All this time-- waiting for the big moment, the Earth to quake like His awakening. All this time-- the heart knew that reflecting wholeness in all beings, like a still lake mirrors the full moon, was Her awakening. For years, I’ve been waiting for my life to begin. Chasing butterflies, waiting for the Earth to quake, to awake with ultimate understanding, I missed the smaller moments of stress and struggle, of forgiveness and redemption, of joy and fullness all around me. In medicine, meditation, and other aspects of life experience, there is deeper presence, less restlessness, more contentment in the simplicity (and profound healing) of reflecting wholeness in others by sensing the fullness within. Lake Super Moon Reflection by Randall Branham ***** In Yasodhara* and the Buddha, Vanessa Sasson does a fine job of setting a vivid stage for their story. She honors ancient Indian culture with humor and reverence. Because of her background in Asian studies and notes at the end of the book referencing other Buddhist and Hindu texts, I trust the story. I also respect her creative additions. There are so many themes to contemplate in the book: opulence vs. simplicity, loving a precious few vs. all beings equally, the life of a monastic vs. the life of a householder, confusion vs. clarity. They remind me of the three poisons in Buddhism – greed, hatred, and delusion, and the healing power of generosity, metta, and clear-seeing. Though the Buddha’s story gets all the attention, Yasodhara’s story is equally important. As a householder myself, I feel her loss when she agrees to marry and is confined to the palace walls and Siddhatta’s heart. She renounces her previous life and the freedom it offered. I feel her labor pains, her devotion to Rahula*, her grief and the doubt it conjures when Siddhatta leaves and again when the Buddha takes Rahula for training. I resonate with the need to embody Durga Mata*-like fierce presence, the need for strong maternal guidance and support from someone like Mahapajapati* to face sexual assault. In the end, I understand that awakening is possible for a householder as much as it is for a renunciate, not because she left, but because she stayed. She stayed with the whirlwind of emotions, changes in her body, changes in her identity. She saw Kisa Gotami* holding on to a dead child in a deliriously painful way, and began to contemplate the power of letting go. May all women sense their full moon potential, and reflect this in others. Notes: *Yasodhara is Siddhatta’s wife. Siddhatta later becomes the Buddha. *Rahula is the son of Yasodhara and Siddhatta. *Durga Mata is the Hindu goddess of protection, strength, motherhood, destruction and wars. *Mahapajapati is Siddhata’s maternal aunt who raises him when his own mother, Maya dies after childbirth. *Kisa Gotami is so stricken by the death of her child that she loses her mind. She is freed by a wise teaching from the Buddha. Buddha and Yashodhara by gireesan v s ***** Butterflies, full moons, epic stories inspire this journey of late. I’m so grateful for some time to slow down and reflect on them. May something offered here be of use, of inspiration. Everything is The Dharma, the truth, the transformational path of waking up. I used to believe this wholeheartedly when I liked what was happening.
If there was a thorn in my heart, I would “flop around like a fish in shallow water.” (Attadanda Sutta). My faith would waiver, waiting for an ocean of pleasant experiences to arrive, so I could swim comfortably again. What if I already have EVERYTHING I need to wake up? What if you do, too? Would you embrace all experience - pleasant, unpleasant and neutral as gifts toward your awakening? What does it mean to lean into the unfolding mystery of life - anger, fear, sadness, joy…the full spectrum of our human experience? There are so many ways to process this inquiry. Today, I will leave you with a short haiku reflection. Hiking Meditation footsteps cradled by soft earth prana exchange with the forest the sound of joy I need to slow down, make space in the schedule and fullness of my life to hear what is screaming for attention from within. I need to meet it with some aspect of love (kindness, compassion, joy, equanimity). Maybe you do, too. Here is one way to do so. However you are meeting the life you have been given, may you find exactly what you need to wake up. "Spirit of Flight" by Josephine Wall be gentle, be loving patient and proud of the wind and tears that carved a goddess from suffering Kwan Yin’s kindred spirit is learning to listen to the cries of the world and stay till there is ease as she listens to her own body the dance of sensations ok as she is a caged heart trusting her wingspan to fly beyond the bounds of fear and unmet expectations she is still exploring she is still unfinished (Listen to audio version here) (If you would like to listen to the audio version of this talk, click on the link above.) The picture changes. Have you noticed this? People, places, things I’ve loved and wanted to hold on to are no longer the same. Family pictures that we took when my daughter was a baby are different now. She’s no longer a cute little cherub, but a tall, lanky teenager complete with acne and attitude. The picture of who I wanted to be as a mother was so radically different than who I actually was. Instead of having my shit together and nursing my daughter lovingly, I looked like I hadn’t slept for days, felt irritable all the time, blamed anyone and anything in my way (especially myself), and couldn’t breastfeed beyond about 6 weeks. For those of you who have ever been first time parents, you know it’s challenging. Even if you haven’t been a parent, anything you take on that is new and unfamiliar can be difficult: adopting a pet, starting a new job or school, caring for an aging family member, losing a job, moving to a new place, a new medical or psychological diagnosis in you or a loved one, and so on. But stress, discomfort, dis-ease, is not just about meeting moments of difficulty in life. We all face challenges. What makes certain ones more stressful than others? 2600 years ago, the Buddha had a word for stress. In Pali, the language spoken by the Buddha in India at the time, the word is dukkha. Just living this human life, we know that pain is inevitable. But the added stress is optional. There’s a saying that illustrates this point well: pain x resistance = stress. If pain is inevitable, then what adds to the stress? It’s our resistance to what’s happening moment to moment. The desire to hold on to the way my body used to be in less discomfort and able to do certain yoga poses, the aversion to burning, searing, aching, throbbing sensations in my left gluteal muscles, sacroiliac joint and right shoulder, the delusion that none of this should be happening, that I should be able to fix it, that this experience of pain is unique to Moi and no one else has ever felt this way. What are you currently holding on to in your life? What are you pushing away? How are you daydreaming or misunderstanding a current situation? It may help to place a hand on your heart or a part of the body that is hurting, breathing into any discomfort with as much tenderness and compassion as you can muster. If that feels awkward, then imagine a comforting presence here with you now, breathing with you, understanding you, loving you just as you are. With our body’s, our circumstances, the people and things in our lives ‘forever’ rotating through like a slideshow, what can we come to rely on that is real, that will provide some measure of robust comfort when the picture is always changing? How can mindful awareness frame the experience in curiosity, kindness, and remain intimately connected regardless of whether we like, dislike, or believe what we are seeing? There’s a song that I love from high school called ‘Pictures of You’ by an 80’s band called The Cure. The lyrics start out: I've been looking so long at these pictures of you That I almost believe that they're real I've been living so long with my pictures of you That I almost believe that the pictures Are all I can feel I realize now that expectations I had of myself as a new mother, as a person with this current body, even of my daughter as they are now, are all rooted in past or future stories of what could have been, what should have been. This moment, right here, right now can be so exquisite, unburdened by past blame or future worry. For me, The Cure for stress is to identify more with the picture frame, and not the changing picture. Easier said than done, right? It’s hard to believe this when there are constant messages and advertising of the perfect picture, the perfect body, the perfect life on Facebook, Instagram, the media and beyond. Mindfulness practice trains us to notice when we are lost in a story that isn’t true, when emotions feel like weather systems that will last forever and are actually changing all the time, when sensations define who we are and don’t need to be taken so personally. Learning to identify more with the picture frame, the frame of mindful loving awareness rather than the picture of changing circumstances takes time. If you are fairly new to mindfulness practice, you may uncover thought patterns and old habits you haven’t seen before. Things can feel worse before they feel better. Know that you aren’t crazy or doing anything wrong. This is completely normal. In firefighting, the term backdraft is used to describe the sudden introduction of air into a fire that has depleted most of the available oxygen in a room or building. Similarly, when you bring attention to patterns of desire, aversion, and delusion, they can initially feel more intense. This is when it’s helpful to practice with the support of others- a trusted teacher or therapists, wise, loving spiritual community. I’ve also found it useful to bring a spirit of creativity, adventure, and play to these practices. Like learning to cook a dish, play an instrument, grasp a new language, ride a bike, or train yourself in any unfamiliar skill, it can feel so cumbersome if approached with rigidity or expectations of immediate results. Yuck! Who wants to do that? And, it takes a certain amount of gentle discipline, curiosity, kindness, patience, trust, determination, care, compassion, joy, beauty, resilience, and forgivingness to keep practicing, at least in my recipe book. Your healing journey may need similar or different ingredients. You won’t know till you try, keep showing up, adding a little more of this, taking out a little bit of that. After 15 years of practice, I still identify with the picture, and sometimes forget about the picture frame. What’s changing is the capacity of this heart-mind to notice sooner, rather than later what’s needed to frame every experience in some aspect of love. It doesn’t matter how long it takes me. What matters most is my willingness to try. I’d like to share a poem that I think speaks to this "Cure for It All" by Julia Fehrenbacher. This life isn’t what I expected. This practice isn’t what I expected. And it’s inspired such a radical honesty in me to try and see things as they are. Nothing more. Nothing less. Anything else just doesn’t make sense. sunrise reflection on lake water by Ashish Laturkar Burning gluteal muscles, stabbing shoulders hives when exposed to heat or stress. Is it Long COVID or just a coincidence? I never tested positive, had antibodies before the vaccine. So easy to give into despair like bleak landscape after a nuclear explosion, waiting for something to grow, to give meaning to this pain. When the evening news, the internet, work emails and patient messages all beg for better days, I turn to gratitude practice for solace. I’m grateful for physical and osteopathic therapy, for medications that help ease the pain when another pandemic surge feels overwhelming. I’m grateful for family holding me with humor and household help, for colleagues and medical staff as smiling crescent moons in the darkness of a sobering reality. I’m grateful for teachers, friends, a practice inspiring the framing of all phenomena in beauty, wholeness and healing love. Covid-19: you think you’re so smart, the best magic show around with variants evading immune systems and vaccines. You can invade, inflame, and injure, but you cannot insist I believe you. Let me be a source of healing first internally then externally-- clear water mirroring a sunrise hope in others clouded by doubt, beginning again and again till their last breath or my own. I. Establishing equanimity as ease and relaxation, orienting to pleasure, and lingering with experience red maple leaf in close up by Atle Mo blood red Japanese maple shocks the heart back to life your delicate leaves won't last forever II. Equanimity as earth element, stability, or solidity marble toy by Louis Maniquet the Earth pulls you close to her why lean forward or turn back when her love can hold you here III. Equanimity as wind element, movement, change, letting go to let in. Everywhere the wind carries me is my home. (Yu Xuanji) white dandelion by Saad Chaudhry the wind unravels your perfect grooming all your hidden secrets it's best to come undone shelter in breath and silence making space to understand IV. Equanimity as space or silence, widening the attention. aurora northern sky by Luke Stackpoole primordial womb the birth of space and silence if you don't like what you see return to the womb if you don't like what you hear return to the womb and begin again ***Equanimity weekend retreat inspired by Robin Craig, led by Brian Lesage
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AuthorKaveri Patel, a woman who is always searching for the wisdom in waves. Categories
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